Friday, October 04, 2002

 
I got two readings within days of each other! I got a reading with the Ifa priest and then, because I had already made an appointment, I ended up getting another reading with a Spiritualist.

Both are doing rituals for me. I’m wondering if it’s too much? But then, they both talked about different things. The priest’s thing was that I need protection. This is so true. People seem to gravitate toward attacking me. The other one will work to open up my path and she mentioned a positive change in my love life.

She also told me the same thing that Rosy had said. She said that Jessy is way too complicated and it’s a drain of energy on me. It won’t amount to anything anyway. She said that the sooner I leave him alone, the sooner the next one will appear.

Well, that’s easy. I sent him an email a few weeks ago, he responded in an idiotic way and that’s been it. Of course, until the reading, I had been thinking of him constantly. Then yesterday, during a yoga session, I realized that instead of looking for “the one,” let me be “the one” and let someone look for me.

Thinking of myself as “the one” has really helped me present myself more confidently. I also feel more selective.

So that’s that. Tonight is the night I’ve been waiting for. I signed up to take a class in one of the spiritual arts. It would be nice to meet someone there, but then again, I AM THE ONE.

-- posted this at 8:49 AM.

Wednesday, September 25, 2002

 
I am fuckin’ bullshit! I just spent half an hour writing a blog entry only to lose this bullshit. Blogger.com sucks in a big fuckin’ way. Period. And just as soon as I find another host I’m gettin’ outta dodge!

Basically, I emailed Jessy last night and told him my theory about the spirit that possesses him. True to form, he emailed me a political cartoon with no comment on my email what so ever. At least it was a personal email from him to me and not one of his usual group emails.

I just wish I could talk to him on the regular. There are things that he knows about me that no one else does. We’re close but yet not close, in a sense.

Each night for the past three nights I’ve dreamed of a guy I know. Nicky, Dade, Ash. In each dream, the guy was giving me warmth. This is further proof that I need companionship.

I really need a best friend. Someone I can talk to on a daily basis. Usually my boyfriend fills this role. It’s been three years since I had a boyfriend/best friend and I’m losing my f’in’ mind!

I had an interview at a clothing design company. Naina hooked it up. Unfortunately they are looking for skills I don’t possess. CAD skills. I just have basic design skills. The company makes clothing for the masses that gets shipped all over the world. That’s a concept that’s not even in my sensibilities. There are already too many people who look alike.

Sad to say that I was hoping to hit on the interviewer. He’s a big wig at the company. He’s not really my type though; borderline fat. I was dressed in a very sexy outfit. One that was appropriate for the style of the company though. He wasn’t the least bit phased. Oh well.

I surrender to the Universe. I’ve tried everything and I’m back to where I was in July. The only reason I’m not bummed about it is that I’ve been trying to zen everything. Just live in the present. I’m also trying to not be negative about things and people. A series of articles in Yoga International are responsible for this latest attitude. One of the articles introduces the concept of “reversal.” Whenever you think of a negative thought, you just replace it with positive one. This is really hard. I have so many samskaras (embedded patterns) dealing with spewing negative words and thoughts.

Speaking of negativity, I have a plan to get back at KM. I know he’s the one responsible for me losing my last temp job. It’s either him or Vanessa. I could get her back too… I think it’s KM though. Actually, this act of revenge is something I am morally obligated to do. So hopefully that obliterates my ego’s need for revenge and puts it into the moral arena. All I need to do is buy a cartridge so I can print the letter and WHAM! Payback is a bitch!

Daughter’s school called today and sent her home sick. I was so pissed. She’s always putting her dirty fingers in her mouth and eyes. I walked around in heels for three hours looking for myrrh and cheesecloth to make a remedy. The school said that I still need to get a doctor’s note. What a bummer! That means sitting in some waiting room.

I’m also pissed because I had budgeted my money so carefully and then the damn phone was disconnected! So I had to pay to put that back on and then pay for Daughter’s herbs. There goes the budget!

September, in general, has been a nightmare! The dick thing with S, the temp job, now this interview… Nine sucks. No matter how much I like nines, they don’t like me.

-- posted this at 4:15 PM.

Tuesday, September 17, 2002

 
Well I am almost certain that Jessy and I are not supposed to be lovers at all. I am supposed to help him rid himself of the dark spirit that plagues him.

I've only told two people about this 'cause it's just too too out there, even for me. But this theory would explain why I'm not really sexually attracted to him. He's cute and all but I never really have the hots for him, even though he has skills.

When we hugged Friday, he felt like water. I think his spirit is very light and watery and the density of being on Earth adds to his pain.

Anyway, the current dilemma is how to let him know about the walk-in spirit. I no longer have his numbers. My brain won't let go of his email address but I am loathe to email him. It's the old ego again. "Let him contact me." Since he is a Capricorn and has the patience of Job, that may be sometime next year, if ever.

Why do I have such freaky experiences? All I want is a nice relationship with a nice guy. It's so sad because he could be the perfect candidate.

On another front, I emailed six resumes out. Hurray! They are all for temp positions. I don't have the heart to do perm.
-- posted this at 4:01 PM.

Sunday, September 15, 2002

 
Humiliation on top of humiliation! Only this blog will ever know the following. Jessy DID come over but this is what happened. He ate, we talked, I sucked his dick, he left! Word, no lie! It all started off innocently enough, with a massage. Then, after the deed, Honey put his pants back on! I sat there, talking to God. I was like, "No this is not going to happen. He is not going to leave me hanging."

I just was not the same after that. I know I had a funny look on my face. I even mentioned it. Since all the oracles were mentioning being honest. I sort of said something. He just said that he had to go.

On the one hand I think that was totally disrespectful "Treat Her Like A Prostitute" mentality. That's my ego and I feel dissed in a big way.

On the other hand, he's a weirdo. I mean that. He's totally unpredictable. I run into trouble whenever I judge his behavior or try to predict it.

On the third hand ;-), it might be a macho thing. Sometimes I feel like he feels like he has to "school" or teach me a lesson since I dissed him a few months ago. It's like I'm on punishment.

I felt really bad after he left and went straight to bed totally bummed. The oracle on splash.net had indicated that I would suffer grief. I vow not to do any readings or oracles until I get laid. And, my focus has to be on generating money from my art. If I put half as much energy into that as I did into finding a man, I would be the next Picasso.

Oh, I forgot. The very first thing I did after he left was re-whiteout his number in my book. I had picked off the white out so that the number was visible. Now, for sure I cannot read his phone numbers. I feel good about this since things were so weird. Had it not been for the dick thing, it would have been a nice visit. He looked happy to see me and the conversation was great.

Naina came by unexpectedly the next day. We hung out and talked art/fashion. That was nice. There was a point when I considered her one of my closest friends. Then, for five years, she acted funny and didn't call when she came into town. Now, since her mom died, she's seems to need to communicate with the spiritually minded. I don't mind the five year lapse. I don't care. The truth is that I am hoping to maybe cut some kind of design deal with her...

One last thing about Jessy. This may sound strange but I swear that there is a walk-in in him. I noticed again that there are times when his eyes get really shifty. It's like he can't maintain a focus. And he gets really distant. I think the spirit of his dead brother "walks" into him from time to time. I think that spirit is also responsible for the depression he suffers from.

I advised him to see Villoldo the shaman but he said he doesn't have the money. IF I ever talk to him again, I'm going to strongly recommend it again. It could be a matter of life and death. Yeah, he slipped and said something like "if I make it." Meaning if he is still living. I think he contemplates suicide.

Lordy! What have I gotten myself into! Some sort of karmic debt?
-- posted this at 12:38 PM.

Thursday, September 12, 2002

 
Well, we begin again. The pussy job cancelled. They didn't even let me know last night so I had to sneak back there and get my stuff. Assholes.

I'm happy though. This is an opportunity. I managed to get some free art supplies by chance and ran into a would be volunteer gig.

Still trying to make that switch to earning from my art. I liked the job though. It was easy and I had lots of down time. I think that was the problem. I was really fast and used to finish my work quickly. Then I would surf the net and read. They probably thought I was trippin'

Anyway. on the love front. The guy I met when I went away called. He wants me to come and visit. I want to but I would love it if he paid! I am dying to go. Too bad about this job or else I could plan for it.

I supposed to have a date with Jessy. We'll see if that happens tomorrow. I just have a feeling that he won't show. He used to be so dependable. I guess I'm relegated to shit now.

At first I swore I would throw out his tapes for certain if he doesn't show. Now maybe I'll chant Om Namo Narayanaya. I did that yesterday for the Sept. 11th and it felt really good! If you chant and then focus on your third eye, you can see visions.

Anyway, I won't even get into the rent/bill/yoga fee issue. I prefer to stay positive.

I can't help think that I was set up though, in some way. Remember that I got the Betrayal card a few weeks ago... N's need to mind their own.

Yesterday I found a really cool Oracle site - www.splash.net. I got the Corn Maiden. This is the second time! It's supposed to mean be careful with your relationship to food. I think it represents nourishment in many forms; money and love, for example.


-- posted this at 5:21 PM.

Monday, September 09, 2002

 
I had to say a special prayer today. I am feeling really frustrated about not having a partner. I even called Jessy. Yep. I managed to scrape through the white out in my phone book. I left a message and he didn't call.

The guy I met last week only just emailed me today. And that was after the prayer. Jessy emailed me too after the prayer. Beggars can't be choosers.

The truth is that my heart was all set on a friend from graduate school. My chance I came across his resume at my job. This was the second time I came across his name. I emailed him and told him so. He emailed me back but nothing really is happening. He might be married with a kid anyway.

He's someone with whom I've had contact every couple of years since 1995. He's cute and smart. We both had mates in the past. Who knows what will happen.

I'm selecting resumes for my boss. What a head trip. I'm loving plucking out the undesirables! It's so easy to land in that category. Errors in spelling or format, lengthy covers or resumes, or out-of-towners get ditched. I keep hoping to exact my revenge on an asshole who has crossed my path.

The Ashtanga is going well. I'm loving it. I now come home and do Shivananda because I can't afford to lose those asanas while I'm learning the first series.
-- posted this at 7:18 PM.

Thursday, September 05, 2002

 
He (new interest) has not emailed me back.
-- posted this at 8:22 PM.

Tuesday, September 03, 2002

 
Things really heated up with Justin! He has a depth to him that is palpable. It's like he tries to tap into your soul. We had this little crush thing going on towards the end of last week. You know how you look at someone and only see his mouth 'cause you want to kiss him? But this weekend brought the whole thing to an end.

Here's what happened. I met a guy! Yes. I went away for the weekend and met a cutie. I played it real cool too. Not really hard to get but also not desperate either.

And get this. He's into tantra and yoga. Yep. He offered to "show" me some tantra but he had to leave! It was really weird how it all happened. The main thing is that wherever I went, he ended up being there. And it wasn't because he was following me. It was like we had two days of coincidentally bumping into each other. That's Spirit for you. I know because that's what happened with me and Noah in the exact same location. That place is special...

Anyway, we exchanged emails. I haven't heard anything from him and I WILL email him regardless. I can't play the game b.s. Besides, there is little at stake. He lives eight hours from here. Even if we're only email friends, that's cool.

Oh, I forgot to say that we know the same person! That's what really cemented things. I'm being cryptic because I'm paranoid. What is it, like two million blogs created every second?

I'm reading this fabulous book, Child of the Morning, by Pauline Gedge. It's a fictional account of Hatshepsut, the only female Pharaoh of Egypt. What a powerful book. And the way it came to me... It was the first book I saw in the library of the retreat. Technically I wasn't supposed to take it...I'll just mail it back to them.

Anyway, every few lines I am filled with longing and passion for the kind of love the flows between Hat and Sen. He's portrayed as this super knowledgeable multi-talented fine ass dude. All I want to do is be his slave in the book who lives to fuck him and fulfill his every need! I could do that - - with a powerful kind man.

While I was away, I ran into Shivalinga. I had told him two years ago that in a past life he was a power prince of a country in the Middle East. I told him spontaneously after I had done a lot of energy work. He wasn't surprised. I still feel like that info is true. And now that I'm reading this book, I feel it even more.

He has a lot of power and he's not working up to his full potential. Every time I see him, I check within myself to see if I want to sleep with him. No. But there was a really strong "friend" love that flowed between us right before I left. He took charge of finding ma a ride to the station and carried both my bags. It was like he just unleashed his power. Interesting.

I told him (two years ago) that I saw him in India learning more of the spiritual arts. I wonder when this will happen.
-- posted this at 7:47 PM.

Monday, August 26, 2002

 
I am disgusted with myself. Why must I prey on every cutie I see? There really is no one at my job who interests me. But I am creating one. The mail boy. I noticed today that he has broad shoulders and big feet. Bingo. I didn't help that I wore a short skirt and high heels and got his attention.

He's so very young. Why are they always young? His partner in the mailroom is probably my age but not a looker at all. In fact, he's downright frightening.

The weird thing is that - - what should I call him - - Justin. Justin's name starts with the same letter as Jessy's and they look alike. They could be brothers. Same build and height. And if they have the same dick size then SCORE! Anyway, I think they are of the same nationality. I'll have to make small talk and find out. Small talk. I am begging myself to not let this be a stupid fantasy/adventure. I shouldn't even engage him. The thing is that he has very soulful eyes and whenever we do look at each other, I always get off on it.

Speaking of Jessy. I took the plunge and blacked out the only existing record of his phone number. I had already whited out his number in my phone book.

I just feel like he's totally disrespecting me. I emailed him and left him a message telling him that I needed my books back. No response. I really can't take this shit. I had also called him last week and he was on another line. He said he would call me back. In the meantime, Daughter unplugged the phone and I didn't know it. When I found out I threw a fit. It's so super hard to communicate with him that the unplugged phone was the last straw.

Instantly I turned into Sherlock Holmes. The *69 freakazoid. I went through this bizarre sequence of getting Daughter to track down her friend (the last caller) to find out exactly what time she called. Was it before the phone was unplugged or after. Crazy. Anyway, it turns out that he never bothered to call me back.

I really feel like slapping the shit out of him. And yet, in the larger picture, I know this is all a test. I'm getting a C.
-- posted this at 8:08 PM.

Sunday, August 18, 2002

 
Major scare and anxiety. I did the Goddess Oracle cards and got CRISIS! Instantly I got an attitude. I'm always living through crises. I've only had about one or two weeks of calm and now some more 'ish is going to happen? It can't be the job 'cause I've had job b.s. happen and didn't pull the crisis card. Plus, I have gotten Oya at least twice and the Tower at least once. Something is in the air. The idea of crisis even came up twice when I did readings on Jessy.

I'm thinking that maybe I should keep my passport and license by the door... More important, I really want to keep my box of fashion files and vintage crochet/knitting books by the door, if not outside the door. What about the only picture of my paternal grandfather?

I really need to calm down. If I master my meditation, I should be able to take everything in stride. If. What kind of higher self do I have that keeps throwing me into the flame. Masochistic, competitive, anxious higher self...
-- posted this at 9:54 PM.

Friday, August 16, 2002

 
I have this really weird "theory." When I looked back in my diary to see when I met Mitch, I ended up re-reading a dream I had on Halloween 2001. It was of two dead bodies wrapped in red satin. Also in the dream were Granny and my mom. My mom, at least, was an ancestor meaning she was dead. She was smoking a cigarette (I'm sure that represented tobacco, which is good for ancestors). Anyway, it was disturbing to re-read this especially when the Ifa priest keeps telling me to make sure to have a good relationship with Granny and Mom! He also mentioned something else that could mean that someone really close will be passing over.

Anyway, I've really been making an effort to stay in contact with Mom. Our relationship is better too. Ever since I stopped really dealing with her when she freaked out about Daughter staying with her father, she's chilled out a lot.

I do need to call Granny though... Mom says that Granny talks a lot about "going home," meaning passing over. She says that she's tired. She's had a really full and good life so...

Anyway I started Ashtanga yoga and I love it. Luckily, my teacher is very traditional. The first week, I didn't even do more than 20 minutes of the first two sun salutations. I'm a bit worried that all the asanas I've worked to hard to perfect will go down the drain. So far, I plan to practice, at least once a week on my own.

Ashtanga makes me more respectful of Shivananda. Both are really authentic and involve chanting and of course attention to the breath. Both have been handed down from SouthEast Asia. Ashtanga is actually from Tibet and Shivananda is from India. Anyway, I am even more dedicated to teaching Shivananda the way I learned it. There are so many knuckle heads running around talking about how "slow" it is. They are backwards. Anybody who wants to do vinyasa should study Ashtanga 'cause that's where the vinyasa craze comes from. Vinyasa is a weak Western cowardly approach to Ashtanga. I knew this before I had even taken one Ashtanga class.

Anyway, my arms are getting more and more cut by the day. And my ass is getting higher, firmer and rounder. Asses are all the rage these days. If I see one more person ass crack peeping out of some low slung jeans, I will vomit.

Trying not to feel guilty. I just bought two pairs of shoes and a purse. I figure, after not buying shoes for 12 years - - hey. Well, not exactly. I did buy shoes, of course, but I bought significantly fewer than I wanted. I mean, there were years where I didn't even really dare go into a shoe store.

I saw some fly-ass Kenneth Cole boots but I didn't get them so I guess things are even... Slowly but surely I'm working my way up to the 100 pairs I had 12 years ago.

What else? Well, I'm jonesing for Jessy again. How the fuck did I slip back into this 'ish? I called his house last Sat. but didn't leave a message. I figured his caller id would let him know. Then, I needed his help on something so I left a message on Monday. He didn't even bother to call me back. Then last night, I kept getting this urge to call him so I did. We talked for a good while then he had to go because he was expecting company. I felt pangs of jealousy! Male or female company? I was dying to ask but played it cool. He said that he really enjoyed talking to me and that it was just what he needed because he was feeling a little down. I felt happy about that. Just before we hung up, there was this weird silence like he expected me to say something. I can't imagine what that might have been.

But, later on in a dream, he told me he loved me! It was very hard for him to say and the whole thing felt very real. I hope he does. I sounds like he could benefit from being with me, right about now, or at least talking to me frequently. I hope he makes a habit of calling me again! I miss him.

Of course, all day long, my libido was soaring. I just kept wanting to have sex with him. I wish things would move into that direction. I just have to be very careful not to get pregnant.

Last thing - there is bullshit happening at my new temp job! I can't believe it. It seems like this shit ALWAYS happens! This will be the third job in a row (counting the yoga gig. Oh yeah, about that. The yoga monster is now teaching on the day I used to teach. Bitch! I thought she had another gig to do at that same hour! Lying bitch!) Anyway what happened at this office job is that I caught the two mail guys speaking derogatively about me. I really didn't give a fuck so I kept smiling at them. Well one of them just cold stopped speaking to me. At least twice I made overtures. I guess he tiny mind couldn't understand how I could still want to talk to him. And a secretary stopped speaking to me too. Fat whore! I shouldn't be negative but what gives? I still made overtures to her to and even help the door open for her once. She didn't even bother to say thank you! What kind of bull shit is that?

This is the same thing that happened at G&H a few years back. I caught the two associates talking about me. I'm like, don't you have a mother fucking job to do?

On an esoteric level, I swear that it seems like people like to engage my energy, either in a positive way or in a negative way. Things have been really weird at that job anyway. Their air system seems weak or something. Whenever the air is low, there's this really gym like smell that floats around my part of the office. I think that at first people thought it was me. I think that's what the two guys were talking about. But I had to leave early that day so that proved that it wasn't me. Anyway, that was really weird, it smelled like they needed to wash the carpet or something. But because people thought it was me, I think, I had to ice the entire firm. In other words, I was super aloof and had to do my hooded eye thing for an entire day. I just had to let them know that I really didn't give a fuck.

I tried to investigate to see where the smell was coming from and I even told the office manager. I went out and bought some Arm and Hammer and a scented candle and put it in the desk. The desk had a really musty smell too. Cheap son of a bitches, they need to fix their air and invest in some new office furniture!

I did the tarot on the office bullshit with the Minchiate tarot and got the Scorpio card in the Earth position. Not good. That means a lot of hidden vengeful shit happening on the day to day level. The end result was good the middle part was bad. Just as long as these assholes don't mess up my job and my cash flow, I'm cool. It's weird because I go to yoga in the mornings and get all blissed out and then walk up into that bullshit. I mean, I can see how a couple of "the crew," the ones that don't speak to me, always are looking to see what I'm doing. I used to have this other job like that where every time timet this woman walked around the corner near my office, she would turn and look. It got so bad that one day she almost bumped into the wall! I should be flattered that my energy attracts people.

I know this is a test. How can I pass? The only thing I can think of is to smile and try to be nice to people. The truth will eventually shine through.

Oh, I also did the tarot on Jessy (yet again). Lots of cups. It wasn't quite as rosy as before though. Some jealousy in the air position. The overall theme was Faith.


-- posted this at 9:05 PM.

Saturday, August 10, 2002

 
Two omens this morning. I'm praying they're good. First, I had a dream with Amma in it. You can't just randomly dream about Amma. You can only dream about her if she allows it. (www.ammachi.org) The dream itself was cool. She was setting up for a tour and not many people knew about it. I was helping. There was a swami in the dream. At one point, we passed each other in the hall and looked at each other. That look acknowledged that we were friends. When I woke up, my third eye was itching.

The second omen was this. I put out the candle on my ancestor altar and went to eat breakfast and take a shower. When I walked back into my room, the candle was lit again!

I can't even imagine what will happen today... I feel that both signify help. In the dream, we were friends and friends help each other. The candle provides light to the ancestors so they can help me. So it was like, they needed extra light to help me.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I realize that I am here to help the community of man.

What also happened yesterday is that I woke up "feeling the moon." I just felt a heavy female/yin vibrations. It was Friday so that helped since Venus rules Fridays. Anyway, I got the distinct impression that someone was wanting me. I think it's Jessy. Anyway, that lead to a whole meditative thought on what he wants with me. I came up with that he likes me and is curious but like to deal very slowly and with patience. Anything that happens too fast scares him (just like a rabbit) and makes him back away. It's because he's a rabbit in Chinese astrology but also because he is training himself to not be easily thrown off balance by things that come his way. So it's very much like a reaction. And me, well I was/am the queen of fast. But, I am really learning to take my time and like it...
-- posted this at 9:42 AM.

Wednesday, August 07, 2002

 
Went to Mitch's wake. I cried uncontrollably. It was not because he died (at least his suffering is over), it's because I felt like he was such a good and generous person. Such a role model. Sure I wasn't as open as I could have been around him, but that was mostly because of the catty/petty vibrations of some of the people around him.

It was really funny to see who supported him in his sickness and who supported him when he was drinkin' and druggin'. There was so much mess going on. His own roommate didn't even come to the hospital to visit him. But I'm sure she had her reasons.

Anyway, I'm just going to miss him so much, even though I only knew him for a year. He really helped to turn my life around and inspire me to get back into fashion.

Before I came, people got up to say what he meant to them. I didn't know that was planned. I missed it because I was taking a yoga class. That tripped me out a little. Then I realized that he would have wanted me to take the class. That was Mitch, always very encouraging.

I want to set up a teeny shrine with his picture, some sage and fashion stuff since he was a fashion designer.

Anyway, on another note, the temp job is pretty cool, even if I am sitting on my ass all day. One of the guys I work for is really funny. He looks like Fred McMurray. He seems really nice. I hope it's not an act. He's also tall and handsome. But I'm not attracted, that is, unless there is some money attached. Shame on me - - but it's true...

Guess who left a message? Jessy. He mentioned that he's been back from vacation for a week. I guess he assumed I'd be ringing his phone off the hook. In order for me to even call him, I have to dig his number out of a box. I made sure to put it away so I wouldn't call him.

What does he want with me? He can't really like me or want to hang out because if that were the case, he'd be in my face more. I feel like I have to be REALLY careful. After the wake, I really wanted to be with someone for comfort but I can't figure out the deal with Jessy, from a spiritual standpoint. I'm satisfied to let things peter out. I feel like we could end up having sex but I need to be really careful. What if some wild shit happens like the condom breaks? Could that be the crisis that the Runes and I Ching are pointing to?

It's official, I'm really a temp worker - - I bought a pair of shoes on sale from Ann Taylor on my lunch hour. They're white. I figure I can wear them to rituals.
-- posted this at 11:09 PM.

Tuesday, August 06, 2002

 
I know I've gained weight in the past two days. I can feel that my stomach is bigger. I have tried and tried but I just get so hungry working. It's weird because I eat more when I'm sitting all day than when I'm out and about. I can't stand to go to lunch and then come back and sit for four hours.

My one saving grace may be to take Ashtanga classes in the mornings. Sis recommended her old teacher. That would really be good for my metabolism. It's early enough for me to take a class each morning and then head to work. I've tried doing my asanas on my own in the morning for the last couple of days but I've hit a low spot. I think it's from the b.s. with the yoga bitch.

Sis made a comment that she thought traditional yoga was boring and that she liked Ashtanga better because it reminded her of dance. That's fucking pathetic and yes I'm being judgmental. You would NEVER hear anyone say that they prefer Kung Fu to Tai Chi because Tai Chi is boring. Everyone knows that Tai Chi is slow because of the way you move the energy.

Why do people take so many liberties with yoga? There's a yoga dance troupe, yoga competitions... WTF? The purpose of yoga, according to Patanjali, is to be able to sit still and meditate. So if a person is getting bored by the static poses then s/he is a long way off!

Anyway, I guess I'll see what all the hype over Ashtanga is. I plan to start on Monday.

Anyway, sorry to report that Mitch died the other day. The whole thing was really weird. He just deteriorated so fast. Anyway, I'm sure he's in a better place - - a lot happier.

The day the woman committed suicide on the train tracks, I was saw a vision of him sitting next to her. I guess that was a sign.

Speaking of signs, I did the I Ching on Jessy (remember him). I got the same thing as when I threw the Runes. Some sort of crisis will occur! :0 I don't even know what to think. What kind of crisis can you have with a person with whom you're not in contact?


-- posted this at 10:57 PM.

Friday, August 02, 2002

 
Subtitle = Fungible Me
Got a long-term temp job today at a law firm. I was so at ease during the interview I almost fell asleep. The partner looked at my resume and asked me suspiciously if I thought I could stay for three months. 'Ole gypsy me quickly said yes. I'll work anywhere for a dollar right? I knew I could do the job and I need the dough so that was that. And that was my attitude.

I figured I'd knit during my spare time or read the business papers (more about that later). Well, then I got a call from the agency. Apparently when I worked at the last firm, someone didn't like the fact that I was knitting. Stupid fools! If I do my work and have free time left over, why should they care? They're just jealous 'cause they haven't the talent. Arghhh! I hope my brain doesn't atrophy...

Speaking of temp jobs. I was on this assignment that was supposed to last three months and ended up lasting a day. I hated it. It was working for a hospital. The atmosphere was extremely unprofessional! There were all kind of sexual innuendos bandied about. I felt like I worked in a deli. Luckily the permanent girl changed her mind about her leave.

So far today I have spent about three to four hours shopping. It's been so strange. I swear that Spirit walked me into a store the other day and I walked out with some boots, leather pants, a wallet and a leather gym bag. I got the deal of a lifetime though.

Then today, I went into this store and they had silk designer blouses on sale! I snatched up four and bought a whole bunch of other stuff too including two pairs of sandals. And then... on my way back form the post office, I stopped in a vintage store and came damn near close to buying two pairs of shoes and a dress!

I realize that I never used to feel guilty when I was on my clothes roll. This was in the 90's. I had stupid clothes and shoes. I know for a fact that I had 100 pairs of shoes, not even counting flips and sneaks. What's the diff? I don't know. Maybe the guilt will ease. It's not like I have SO many clothes. The truth is that I need some nice summer dresses and skirts, I just haven't seen any.

If it helps any, I picked out about 30 pieces of makeup to give away. I should probably go through my clothes and pack up a bag. I'll probably do that in a few weeks...

Anyway, I was on the train the other day coming from the beach and a woman threw herself in front of the train and committed suicide. I was in the first car and could have seen everything. It was really strange. When I got on the train. I threw a bottle out of the door toward the garbage and it missed. It seemed like it rolled in slow motion, just like in the movies right before something bad happens.

Because the train was elevated, her body was cut in half and the lower half landed on the street below. It was ghastly. I refused to look although everyone else did. I just got off the train and wandered around. I was stone cold lost. Then, finally I found another train.

They say suicide is selfish and that was quite obvious. Her death affected so many people! The conductor burst into tears. There were other people crying. And what about all the medical and emergency personnel that had to clean up her body?


-- posted this at 7:53 PM.

 
Resolved yoga studio dilemma. Sis was key in helping and supporting me. She came to the last class. Maybe this will help our relationship. I hope so. It's a shame that we're not closer.

Anyway, after teaching the class, I ran into the owner in the store and we had a good heart to heart talk. She was VERY open and charitable. To me, she embodied the meaning of yoga. She said that she did not call me because she was very busy. She said that she felt like she was in an awkward position because she hired the coordinator and didn't want the coordinator to feel like she had no power. I knew that she would feel like that. That's very rational. She said that I could still use the studio at anytime for my personal use or even run workshops out of it! Hurray! That might have been the purpose of the this dilemma after all.

Now, I'm not under the eye of the beast (coordinator), I can just do my own thing and be free. I'm thinking of giving a four week workshop and charging an advance fee. I feel like I need to spread the philosophy of yoga and what it means. So many people take classes and don't have a clue.

Anyway, we hugged at the end and I'm going to send her an email of thanks. I was going to cc the coordinator but why should she be in the loop? It's funny because I spent hours crafting this long letter but I never got a chance to print it. I guess it wasn't needed after all.

Spoke to Sis about her health issues and how they are related to Spirit. She called me an alarmist and asked me to stop approaching her like this. I sort of understood where she was coming from. About a year ago, I had gotten a reading from Kim and Kim saw someone close to me bleeding to death. I told her about Sis and Kim thought it was her. I told Sis. It turns out that it was my cousin. She needed up being rushed to the hospital and almost hemorrhaging to death because of her fibroids.

Anyway, all I can do is ask the ancestors to help Sis. The priest said that my only responsibility was to relay the message to her.

I had this epiphany about why I don't have a boyfriend right now. I've been so many wonderful woman that I think Spirit is purposely keeping my "space clear." Normally when I have a boyfriend, I put a LOT of energy into him and limit my dealing with my friends. I feel very fortunate to have met so many positive woman this summer.

Maria left for the home the other day and I was feeling like, "so who will I hang out with for August?" Then, Mary came to my class and I also started getting close to two woman at the restaurant. I pulled Kaballah cards on Mary and June. I got Hesed for Mary and Vov for June. Two wonderful cards that encourage me to be more sociable with each one.

I was a little hesitant because Olukun counseled to be cautious of people trying to tamper with my energy. I pulled the Porcupine card today which also encourages me to be open. I have to strike a balance and use viveka to figure out who is right and who is wrong for me.

-- posted this at 9:15 AM.

Tuesday, July 30, 2002

 
Went to see the Ifa priest yesterday. It was great as always. Today I'm headed to the beach to do a ritual. I am so psyched. What he read is the same thing I've been feeling. There are people around me who are being false and who are sucking up my energy. We spoke about a long term solution which I am anxious to put in place. I would love to talk more about the ritual but I don't want to jinx it. I'll just say that it's exactly what the doctor ordered.

I resolved the yoga coordinator dilemma. I've been so busy that I realized that other opportunities will come and that not working at the studio will just open up my schedule. Between temping and waitressing, I'm working seven days a week or close to it. I'm at the point where I'm welcoming rest.

I do plan to write the owner a letter, just to present my side of the story. I can't believe that she hasn't called me. That's poor form. I don't plan to shop at her store again. To me it does not exist. The weird catch is that I'm still supposed to teach a class on Thursday. I invited a bunch of people to come but I've only gotten one solid reply. I asked in the reading if I should teach it, because I was totally prepared to not do it, and the answer was yes. I emailed the coordinator to confirm that I would still be doing it and I haven't gotten a reply. I hope she's still not playing games. I still can't help but think that she's an idiot. That's not said vengefully, just factually.

I think that's what has caught me most off guard. I've never dealt with a full blown idiot before. It's like meeting a clown in an alley. What do you do?

What else? I haven't been putting a lot of thought into men, that's good. I feel pretty satisfied although I'm still celibate.

My diet has gone to pot. Back to eating tons of sweets and my eye is bothering me again. It's from working so much and not having time to shop for food...

The reader saw something really dire for Sis's health. He said that her fibroid issues are not over even though she had the surgery. He said that she should go to her priest or monk or spiritual leader and seek advice. If that doesn't work for her, he said that she should come to him. I haven't told her yet. I know that it's true because when I did the hands on procedures before she got the surgery, I saw that Spirit wants her to devote more time to her spiritual practices - - as opposed to chasing her career. I don't think she will respond well even though, at one point, she also was into Orisha.

Feeling a little weird about Daughter. She's with her dad. She went with her dad's mom for a visit but then the mom left. I told Daughter it was ok to stay because that's what my intuition said. The background to this story is that when she was very small, she said that her father touched her vagina. There was a medical examination and a court battle and the court ordered supervised visitation for a while and then unsupervised visitation. I didn't mind the unsupervised visitation because he was with a long-term partner. But they have since broken up and she then suspected that he molested their daughter.

As for my daughter, I also strongly suspect that he engaged in inappropriate behavior with her when she was little. That's based on her own behavior and my gut feeling. Even before the issue came to light, I used to get the worst feelings of misgivings whenever she visited him. I chalked it up to him being irresponsible. I never suspected that he would "touch" her.

Anyway, my mom was livid that I let her stay for a summer visit. I just felt that my intuition was correct and that's what I told Daughter. I told her that THIS summer is ok but it doesn't mean that that will be the case for every summer. Part of it also was that I knew that if she were not allowed to stay, she would hold that against me eternally. I ended up telling her about the suspected molestation because she kept backing me into a corner about why she couldn't visit him alone. Her response was that she could "handle it."

Well, the last time I spoke to her she sounded funny to me. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said no but her dad was home. I think I'll end up using a couple of the oracles to figure out the deal. Maybe she brought the subject up to him. Maybe she spoke to her sister and found out that something was going on. Maybe he approached her. I just want her to open up and tell me the truth. I hope she's not thinking that the truth will have negative repercussions for him or her. I'll remind her that I can get to the truth whether or not she opens her mouth. For the record, I don't believe that he touched her again, but I feel that some issue has come up. I'm sure that Spirit divined all of it. Maybe she won't bug me about visiting him anymore.
-- posted this at 8:52 AM.

Saturday, July 27, 2002

 
More drama. Now I know what the tarot cards were talking about. I got the Hanged Man and the Tower as well as a bunch of minor cards that spoke of things that are hidden.

The dumb bitch yoga coordinator called me today and told me that she is taking me off the roster. You could tell that she was really getting into the power of being able to say that. I told her that I thought should reconsider. Mainly because I refuse to allow the matter to drop. I called the owner of the store and left a message for her. Hopefully she will call me back. I just feel like she needs to know the truth.

The bitch is a liar. Plain and simple. She said that she thought I was incommunicative and inflexible. What a bunch of crap. She obviously doesn't know the meaning of those words. I was racking my brain and offering all sorts of solutions to the dilema. She's the one who is inflexible. Plus she lied to the group in the meeting about participating in the classes and lied to me yesterday about her own availability.

I also told her that I thought it was a control issue. Yes, I did. Satya, truth. I told her that I had taken a vow of truth when I was accepted as a yoga teacher and I felt I had to perpetuate the truth.

It's true, we were in a power struggle. She acted like I was supposed to be a subordinate. No, we're two grown fuckin' women. She can't stand to be challenged. But in the meeting many of the teachers were challenging her. If I want to work in a place where I cannot speak up for myself, I'll work in the corporate world and suck it up. What's worse is that there is no accountability. She basically could say anything to the owners about the teachers and if her word is the last word, then the teachers have no recourse.

I'm just waiting to see what the reaction of the owner is. I feel like she should at least hear my side of things. I've been faithful to the store/studio but it's not Disney World. In the end, I will never set foot in the store again, nor recommend it to anyone. In fact, I'll dissuade people from shopping there if I think the owner is unfair.
-- posted this at 2:25 AM.

Friday, July 26, 2002

 
Something really weird is going on with female energy and me. On my new waitressing job and one of my yoga jobs, I am having problems with "bitches." Both of these women seem to be intimidated by me and are making my life a mini-hell.

At the waitressing job, I feel like she has made comments about how I handle the tips and probably spoke to the owner about me. But she got caught out there yesterday when I asked her if she wanted to share the tips yesterday right before she left - - this happened in front of the owner. So immediately this let the boss know that I am willing to share tips and not a greedy person. She looked like a bird caught with a canary in its mouth. The other thing about her is that she eats a lot of the food, takes frequent breaks and uses the cups that I've set up for my customers. I can't stand her.

On the other job, the new yoga coordinator is bugged out. I really don't think that she knows what yoga is or means, even though she does teach. She seems more comfortable in a corporate hierarchy. Her ego is out of control and I swear she thinks the world revolves around her. We actually had an argument yesterday based on the fact that she can't observe my class for a substantial period during its allotted slot. And this is because she has another job at that time. Whose problem is that? She kept trying to manipulate the situation to make it seem like I was being inflexible when she should have been a lot more humble considering she can't do her fuckin' job!

I am mindful that these are probably tests sent from the Universe or perhaps there is a female energy hovering around me that needs to be addressed. I made an appointment with the Ifa priest for Monday. I also did a bunch of oracles last night. I got cards that said to be flexible (Vila) and also a courage and warrior card (Ishtar).

Since Chango has my head, I am naturally a warrior. The key is to mesh this with the compassion and love sentiment of vedanta. I even asked these new cards that I got. They have messages from Amma. She said that I am simply a part of nature. I took that to mean that I felt attacked and I defended my self.

Of course I considered an offense, in both cases. But I'm thinking that that would only complicate things.
-- posted this at 7:14 AM.

Thursday, July 25, 2002

 
Still getting pains in my lower back on the right side. Liver? I took a yoga class and the pain went away. (I'm so proud of myself, I did the forward bend and was able to rest my chest on my legs!). I read that we can extend our lives by sending light into our cells. This thought inspired me to work on my liver. I used my breath and sent love into the area. Strangely, I felt like my liver needed love!

According to Chinese medicine, the liver is the seat of some emotion. I know that if your liver is imbalanced, you can be a very nasty person. I think Mom needs work on her liver if that's the case. Anyway, maybe my liver does need love since I do...

I did a tarot reading on my new restaurant job. It was bizarre! It seems that there is a hidden element there that I am blind to. I didn't get a lot of love cards so it can't be an affair. The whole things was really weird. I'll just have to see how it plays out. The only thing I can do to protect myself is to meditate deeply in the mornings. Meditation keeps me alert for bullshit, among other things.
-- posted this at 8:30 AM.

Sunday, July 21, 2002

 
Well, the "new" diet has almost gone to pot. I can't seem to stop eating sweets. I did buy some chromium today. That, at least, should help me metabolize the sugar better.

Believe it or not, for the last two days, I've been working as a waitress! The tips have been great buy my legs ache. The job came through a friend. It's only temporary though...

The people who work there are relatively nice but the girl I worked with today was acting catty. I hate that shit. I'm not competing with you and I really don't give a __uck about your life so don't pay attention to mine! I can't stand catty women...and men...as in catty gay men like my two uncles and Mitch and his crew. In fact, I think catty men are worse than catty women because you never see the comments coming. Especially with my uncles who are buried deep in the closet. They are always commenting on my hair and clothing. None of my straight uncles or cousins really give a shit. It's like they want to be women. So get a freakin' sex change and leave me the hell alone!

Anyway, back to the job. There has been this really strange vibe where I feel like the counter crew is thinking that I am cheating them. The way it works is that I'm supposed to give them 20% of my tip jar during each shift change. And I do that. But there's always a little silence and awkwardness. And then today, the bitch actually had the nerve to say, "shall we count it!" I was like "do you." I almost threw the money on the floor. The thing was that it had suddenly gotten really really busy for me but not for them and they were trippin'!

Anyway, during that busy spell, I bugged out. I dropped the espresso filter in the garbage but didn't know it and coffee splattered all over my favorite shirt in the whole wide world! I lost an order and the people had to wait almost a half an hour to eat. Then I was so busy with this French party of fancy coffee drinkers, but lo and behold, they didn't leave a thin dime. Sorry, but I've found that the French don't tip very well.

Anyway, it's fun and I see tons of people -- read "men." None I have been attracted to so far though...That's good in a way, it shows that I'm not desperate. I think, in fact, that my vibration has changed radically. I no longer "search out" men. I think that all has to do with Amma's visit.


-- posted this at 10:10 PM.

Wednesday, July 17, 2002

 
Well Lordy Lordy, Jessy called last night. I was sleeping and didn't even recognize his voice. Of course he didn't identify himself because he assumed he was the only man in my world.

I was bored by the conversation and quickly got off the phone. I'm over him. What has helped is the book Dark Sister by Lynn V. Andrews. She addresses the power that women possess and how we give it away to men. That sounds like me.

What is strange is that yesterday, for the first time, I had this impression of Jessy being very passionate with me and giving me a lot of attention. I dismissed the impression and then he called last night. Hmmm. The Runes and Oracle of Rama were correct after all.


-- posted this at 8:19 AM.