The Unseen Ream

2002-10-04T08:49:00.000-04:00

I got two readings within days of each other! I got a reading with the Ifa priest and then, because I had already made an appointment, I ended up getting another reading with a Spiritualist.

Both are doing rituals for me. I’m wondering if it’s too much? But then, they both talked about different things. The priest’s thing was that I need protection. This is so true. People seem to gravitate toward attacking me. The other one will work to open up my path and she mentioned a positive change in my love life.

She also told me the same thing that Rosy had said. She said that Jessy is way too complicated and it’s a drain of energy on me. It won’t amount to anything anyway. She said that the sooner I leave him alone, the sooner the next one will appear.

Well, that’s easy. I sent him an email a few weeks ago, he responded in an idiotic way and that’s been it. Of course, until the reading, I had been thinking of him constantly. Then yesterday, during a yoga session, I realized that instead of looking for “the one,” let me be “the one” and let someone look for me.

Thinking of myself as “the one” has really helped me present myself more confidently. I also feel more selective.

So that’s that. Tonight is the night I’ve been waiting for. I signed up to take a class in one of the spiritual arts. It would be nice to meet someone there, but then again, I AM THE ONE.

2002-09-25T16:15:00.000-04:00

I am fuckin’ bullshit! I just spent half an hour writing a blog entry only to lose this bullshit. Blogger.com sucks in a big fuckin’ way. Period. And just as soon as I find another host I’m gettin’ outta dodge!

Basically, I emailed Jessy last night and told him my theory about the spirit that possesses him. True to form, he emailed me a political cartoon with no comment on my email what so ever. At least it was a personal email from him to me and not one of his usual group emails.

I just wish I could talk to him on the regular. There are things that he knows about me that no one else does. We’re close but yet not close, in a sense.

Each night for the past three nights I’ve dreamed of a guy I know. Nicky, Dade, Ash. In each dream, the guy was giving me warmth. This is further proof that I need companionship.

I really need a best friend. Someone I can talk to on a daily basis. Usually my boyfriend fills this role. It’s been three years since I had a boyfriend/best friend and I’m losing my f’in’ mind!

I had an interview at a clothing design company. Naina hooked it up. Unfortunately they are looking for skills I don’t possess. CAD skills. I just have basic design skills. The company makes clothing for the masses that gets shipped all over the world. That’s a concept that’s not even in my sensibilities. There are already too many people who look alike.

Sad to say that I was hoping to hit on the interviewer. He’s a big wig at the company. He’s not really my type though; borderline fat. I was dressed in a very sexy outfit. One that was appropriate for the style of the company though. He wasn’t the least bit phased. Oh well.

I surrender to the Universe. I’ve tried everything and I’m back to where I was in July. The only reason I’m not bummed about it is that I’ve been trying to zen everything. Just live in the present. I’m also trying to not be negative about things and people. A series of articles in Yoga International are responsible for this latest attitude. One of the articles introduces the concept of “reversal.” Whenever you think of a negative thought, you just replace it with positive one. This is really hard. I have so many samskaras (embedded patterns) dealing with spewing negative words and thoughts.

Speaking of negativity, I have a plan to get back at KM. I know he’s the one responsible for me losing my last temp job. It’s either him or Vanessa. I could get her back too… I think it’s KM though. Actually, this act of revenge is something I am morally obligated to do. So hopefully that obliterates my ego’s need for revenge and puts it into the moral arena. All I need to do is buy a cartridge so I can print the letter and WHAM! Payback is a bitch!

Daughter’s school called today and sent her home sick. I was so pissed. She’s always putting her dirty fingers in her mouth and eyes. I walked around in heels for three hours looking for myrrh and cheesecloth to make a remedy. The school said that I still need to get a doctor’s note. What a bummer! That means sitting in some waiting room.

I’m also pissed because I had budgeted my money so carefully and then the damn phone was disconnected! So I had to pay to put that back on and then pay for Daughter’s herbs. There goes the budget!

September, in general, has been a nightmare! The dick thing with S, the temp job, now this interview… Nine sucks. No matter how much I like nines, they don’t like me.

2002-09-17T16:01:00.000-04:00

Well I am almost certain that Jessy and I are not supposed to be lovers at all. I am supposed to help him rid himself of the dark spirit that plagues him.

I've only told two people about this 'cause it's just too too out there, even for me. But this theory would explain why I'm not really sexually attracted to him. He's cute and all but I never really have the hots for him, even though he has skills.

When we hugged Friday, he felt like water. I think his spirit is very light and watery and the density of being on Earth adds to his pain.

Anyway, the current dilemma is how to let him know about the walk-in spirit. I no longer have his numbers. My brain won't let go of his email address but I am loathe to email him. It's the old ego again. "Let him contact me." Since he is a Capricorn and has the patience of Job, that may be sometime next year, if ever.

Why do I have such freaky experiences? All I want is a nice relationship with a nice guy. It's so sad because he could be the perfect candidate.

On another front, I emailed six resumes out. Hurray! They are all for temp positions. I don't have the heart to do perm.

2002-09-15T12:38:00.000-04:00

Humiliation on top of humiliation! Only this blog will ever know the following. Jessy DID come over but this is what happened. He ate, we talked, I sucked his dick, he left! Word, no lie! It all started off innocently enough, with a massage. Then, after the deed, Honey put his pants back on! I sat there, talking to God. I was like, "No this is not going to happen. He is not going to leave me hanging."

I just was not the same after that. I know I had a funny look on my face. I even mentioned it. Since all the oracles were mentioning being honest. I sort of said something. He just said that he had to go.

On the one hand I think that was totally disrespectful "Treat Her Like A Prostitute" mentality. That's my ego and I feel dissed in a big way.

On the other hand, he's a weirdo. I mean that. He's totally unpredictable. I run into trouble whenever I judge his behavior or try to predict it.

On the third hand ;-), it might be a macho thing. Sometimes I feel like he feels like he has to "school" or teach me a lesson since I dissed him a few months ago. It's like I'm on punishment.

I felt really bad after he left and went straight to bed totally bummed. The oracle on splash.net had indicated that I would suffer grief. I vow not to do any readings or oracles until I get laid. And, my focus has to be on generating money from my art. If I put half as much energy into that as I did into finding a man, I would be the next Picasso.

Oh, I forgot. The very first thing I did after he left was re-whiteout his number in my book. I had picked off the white out so that the number was visible. Now, for sure I cannot read his phone numbers. I feel good about this since things were so weird. Had it not been for the dick thing, it would have been a nice visit. He looked happy to see me and the conversation was great.

Naina came by unexpectedly the next day. We hung out and talked art/fashion. That was nice. There was a point when I considered her one of my closest friends. Then, for five years, she acted funny and didn't call when she came into town. Now, since her mom died, she's seems to need to communicate with the spiritually minded. I don't mind the five year lapse. I don't care. The truth is that I am hoping to maybe cut some kind of design deal with her...

One last thing about Jessy. This may sound strange but I swear that there is a walk-in in him. I noticed again that there are times when his eyes get really shifty. It's like he can't maintain a focus. And he gets really distant. I think the spirit of his dead brother "walks" into him from time to time. I think that spirit is also responsible for the depression he suffers from.

I advised him to see Villoldo the shaman but he said he doesn't have the money. IF I ever talk to him again, I'm going to strongly recommend it again. It could be a matter of life and death. Yeah, he slipped and said something like "if I make it." Meaning if he is still living. I think he contemplates suicide.

Lordy! What have I gotten myself into! Some sort of karmic debt?

2002-09-12T17:21:00.000-04:00

Well, we begin again. The pussy job cancelled. They didn't even let me know last night so I had to sneak back there and get my stuff. Assholes.

I'm happy though. This is an opportunity. I managed to get some free art supplies by chance and ran into a would be volunteer gig.

Still trying to make that switch to earning from my art. I liked the job though. It was easy and I had lots of down time. I think that was the problem. I was really fast and used to finish my work quickly. Then I would surf the net and read. They probably thought I was trippin'

Anyway. on the love front. The guy I met when I went away called. He wants me to come and visit. I want to but I would love it if he paid! I am dying to go. Too bad about this job or else I could plan for it.

I supposed to have a date with Jessy. We'll see if that happens tomorrow. I just have a feeling that he won't show. He used to be so dependable. I guess I'm relegated to shit now.

At first I swore I would throw out his tapes for certain if he doesn't show. Now maybe I'll chant Om Namo Narayanaya. I did that yesterday for the Sept. 11th and it felt really good! If you chant and then focus on your third eye, you can see visions.

Anyway, I won't even get into the rent/bill/yoga fee issue. I prefer to stay positive.

I can't help think that I was set up though, in some way. Remember that I got the Betrayal card a few weeks ago... N's need to mind their own.

Yesterday I found a really cool Oracle site - www.splash.net. I got the Corn Maiden. This is the second time! It's supposed to mean be careful with your relationship to food. I think it represents nourishment in many forms; money and love, for example.

2002-09-09T19:18:00.000-04:00

I had to say a special prayer today. I am feeling really frustrated about not having a partner. I even called Jessy. Yep. I managed to scrape through the white out in my phone book. I left a message and he didn't call.

The guy I met last week only just emailed me today. And that was after the prayer. Jessy emailed me too after the prayer. Beggars can't be choosers.

The truth is that my heart was all set on a friend from graduate school. My chance I came across his resume at my job. This was the second time I came across his name. I emailed him and told him so. He emailed me back but nothing really is happening. He might be married with a kid anyway.

He's someone with whom I've had contact every couple of years since 1995. He's cute and smart. We both had mates in the past. Who knows what will happen.

I'm selecting resumes for my boss. What a head trip. I'm loving plucking out the undesirables! It's so easy to land in that category. Errors in spelling or format, lengthy covers or resumes, or out-of-towners get ditched. I keep hoping to exact my revenge on an asshole who has crossed my path.

The Ashtanga is going well. I'm loving it. I now come home and do Shivananda because I can't afford to lose those asanas while I'm learning the first series.

2002-09-05T20:22:00.000-04:00

He (new interest) has not emailed me back.

2002-09-03T19:47:00.000-04:00

Things really heated up with Justin! He has a depth to him that is palpable. It's like he tries to tap into your soul. We had this little crush thing going on towards the end of last week. You know how you look at someone and only see his mouth 'cause you want to kiss him? But this weekend brought the whole thing to an end.

Here's what happened. I met a guy! Yes. I went away for the weekend and met a cutie. I played it real cool too. Not really hard to get but also not desperate either.

And get this. He's into tantra and yoga. Yep. He offered to "show" me some tantra but he had to leave! It was really weird how it all happened. The main thing is that wherever I went, he ended up being there. And it wasn't because he was following me. It was like we had two days of coincidentally bumping into each other. That's Spirit for you. I know because that's what happened with me and Noah in the exact same location. That place is special...

Anyway, we exchanged emails. I haven't heard anything from him and I WILL email him regardless. I can't play the game b.s. Besides, there is little at stake. He lives eight hours from here. Even if we're only email friends, that's cool.

Oh, I forgot to say that we know the same person! That's what really cemented things. I'm being cryptic because I'm paranoid. What is it, like two million blogs created every second?

I'm reading this fabulous book, Child of the Morning, by Pauline Gedge. It's a fictional account of Hatshepsut, the only female Pharaoh of Egypt. What a powerful book. And the way it came to me... It was the first book I saw in the library of the retreat. Technically I wasn't supposed to take it...I'll just mail it back to them.

Anyway, every few lines I am filled with longing and passion for the kind of love the flows between Hat and Sen. He's portrayed as this super knowledgeable multi-talented fine ass dude. All I want to do is be his slave in the book who lives to fuck him and fulfill his every need! I could do that - - with a powerful kind man.

While I was away, I ran into Shivalinga. I had told him two years ago that in a past life he was a power prince of a country in the Middle East. I told him spontaneously after I had done a lot of energy work. He wasn't surprised. I still feel like that info is true. And now that I'm reading this book, I feel it even more.

He has a lot of power and he's not working up to his full potential. Every time I see him, I check within myself to see if I want to sleep with him. No. But there was a really strong "friend" love that flowed between us right before I left. He took charge of finding ma a ride to the station and carried both my bags. It was like he just unleashed his power. Interesting.

I told him (two years ago) that I saw him in India learning more of the spiritual arts. I wonder when this will happen.

2002-08-26T20:08:00.000-04:00

I am disgusted with myself. Why must I prey on every cutie I see? There really is no one at my job who interests me. But I am creating one. The mail boy. I noticed today that he has broad shoulders and big feet. Bingo. I didn't help that I wore a short skirt and high heels and got his attention.

He's so very young. Why are they always young? His partner in the mailroom is probably my age but not a looker at all. In fact, he's downright frightening.

The weird thing is that - - what should I call him - - Justin. Justin's name starts with the same letter as Jessy's and they look alike. They could be brothers. Same build and height. And if they have the same dick size then SCORE! Anyway, I think they are of the same nationality. I'll have to make small talk and find out. Small talk. I am begging myself to not let this be a stupid fantasy/adventure. I shouldn't even engage him. The thing is that he has very soulful eyes and whenever we do look at each other, I always get off on it.

Speaking of Jessy. I took the plunge and blacked out the only existing record of his phone number. I had already whited out his number in my phone book.

I just feel like he's totally disrespecting me. I emailed him and left him a message telling him that I needed my books back. No response. I really can't take this shit. I had also called him last week and he was on another line. He said he would call me back. In the meantime, Daughter unplugged the phone and I didn't know it. When I found out I threw a fit. It's so super hard to communicate with him that the unplugged phone was the last straw.

Instantly I turned into Sherlock Holmes. The *69 freakazoid. I went through this bizarre sequence of getting Daughter to track down her friend (the last caller) to find out exactly what time she called. Was it before the phone was unplugged or after. Crazy. Anyway, it turns out that he never bothered to call me back.

I really feel like slapping the shit out of him. And yet, in the larger picture, I know this is all a test. I'm getting a C.

2002-08-18T21:54:00.000-04:00

Major scare and anxiety. I did the Goddess Oracle cards and got CRISIS! Instantly I got an attitude. I'm always living through crises. I've only had about one or two weeks of calm and now some more 'ish is going to happen? It can't be the job 'cause I've had job b.s. happen and didn't pull the crisis card. Plus, I have gotten Oya at least twice and the Tower at least once. Something is in the air. The idea of crisis even came up twice when I did readings on Jessy.

I'm thinking that maybe I should keep my passport and license by the door... More important, I really want to keep my box of fashion files and vintage crochet/knitting books by the door, if not outside the door. What about the only picture of my paternal grandfather?

I really need to calm down. If I master my meditation, I should be able to take everything in stride. If. What kind of higher self do I have that keeps throwing me into the flame. Masochistic, competitive, anxious higher self...

2002-08-16T21:05:00.000-04:00

I have this really weird "theory." When I looked back in my diary to see when I met Mitch, I ended up re-reading a dream I had on Halloween 2001. It was of two dead bodies wrapped in red satin. Also in the dream were Granny and my mom. My mom, at least, was an ancestor meaning she was dead. She was smoking a cigarette (I'm sure that represented tobacco, which is good for ancestors). Anyway, it was disturbing to re-read this especially when the Ifa priest keeps telling me to make sure to have a good relationship with Granny and Mom! He also mentioned something else that could mean that someone really close will be passing over.

Anyway, I've really been making an effort to stay in contact with Mom. Our relationship is better too. Ever since I stopped really dealing with her when she freaked out about Daughter staying with her father, she's chilled out a lot.

I do need to call Granny though... Mom says that Granny talks a lot about "going home," meaning passing over. She says that she's tired. She's had a really full and good life so...

Anyway I started Ashtanga yoga and I love it. Luckily, my teacher is very traditional. The first week, I didn't even do more than 20 minutes of the first two sun salutations. I'm a bit worried that all the asanas I've worked to hard to perfect will go down the drain. So far, I plan to practice, at least once a week on my own.

Ashtanga makes me more respectful of Shivananda. Both are really authentic and involve chanting and of course attention to the breath. Both have been handed down from SouthEast Asia. Ashtanga is actually from Tibet and Shivananda is from India. Anyway, I am even more dedicated to teaching Shivananda the way I learned it. There are so many knuckle heads running around talking about how "slow" it is. They are backwards. Anybody who wants to do vinyasa should study Ashtanga 'cause that's where the vinyasa craze comes from. Vinyasa is a weak Western cowardly approach to Ashtanga. I knew this before I had even taken one Ashtanga class.

Anyway, my arms are getting more and more cut by the day. And my ass is getting higher, firmer and rounder. Asses are all the rage these days. If I see one more person ass crack peeping out of some low slung jeans, I will vomit.

Trying not to feel guilty. I just bought two pairs of shoes and a purse. I figure, after not buying shoes for 12 years - - hey. Well, not exactly. I did buy shoes, of course, but I bought significantly fewer than I wanted. I mean, there were years where I didn't even really dare go into a shoe store.

I saw some fly-ass Kenneth Cole boots but I didn't get them so I guess things are even... Slowly but surely I'm working my way up to the 100 pairs I had 12 years ago.

What else? Well, I'm jonesing for Jessy again. How the fuck did I slip back into this 'ish? I called his house last Sat. but didn't leave a message. I figured his caller id would let him know. Then, I needed his help on something so I left a message on Monday. He didn't even bother to call me back. Then last night, I kept getting this urge to call him so I did. We talked for a good while then he had to go because he was expecting company. I felt pangs of jealousy! Male or female company? I was dying to ask but played it cool. He said that he really enjoyed talking to me and that it was just what he needed because he was feeling a little down. I felt happy about that. Just before we hung up, there was this weird silence like he expected me to say something. I can't imagine what that might have been.

But, later on in a dream, he told me he loved me! It was very hard for him to say and the whole thing felt very real. I hope he does. I sounds like he could benefit from being with me, right about now, or at least talking to me frequently. I hope he makes a habit of calling me again! I miss him.

Of course, all day long, my libido was soaring. I just kept wanting to have sex with him. I wish things would move into that direction. I just have to be very careful not to get pregnant.

Last thing - there is bullshit happening at my new temp job! I can't believe it. It seems like this shit ALWAYS happens! This will be the third job in a row (counting the yoga gig. Oh yeah, about that. The yoga monster is now teaching on the day I used to teach. Bitch! I thought she had another gig to do at that same hour! Lying bitch!) Anyway what happened at this office job is that I caught the two mail guys speaking derogatively about me. I really didn't give a fuck so I kept smiling at them. Well one of them just cold stopped speaking to me. At least twice I made overtures. I guess he tiny mind couldn't understand how I could still want to talk to him. And a secretary stopped speaking to me too. Fat whore! I shouldn't be negative but what gives? I still made overtures to her to and even help the door open for her once. She didn't even bother to say thank you! What kind of bull shit is that?

This is the same thing that happened at G&H a few years back. I caught the two associates talking about me. I'm like, don't you have a mother fucking job to do?

On an esoteric level, I swear that it seems like people like to engage my energy, either in a positive way or in a negative way. Things have been really weird at that job anyway. Their air system seems weak or something. Whenever the air is low, there's this really gym like smell that floats around my part of the office. I think that at first people thought it was me. I think that's what the two guys were talking about. But I had to leave early that day so that proved that it wasn't me. Anyway, that was really weird, it smelled like they needed to wash the carpet or something. But because people thought it was me, I think, I had to ice the entire firm. In other words, I was super aloof and had to do my hooded eye thing for an entire day. I just had to let them know that I really didn't give a fuck.

I tried to investigate to see where the smell was coming from and I even told the office manager. I went out and bought some Arm and Hammer and a scented candle and put it in the desk. The desk had a really musty smell too. Cheap son of a bitches, they need to fix their air and invest in some new office furniture!

I did the tarot on the office bullshit with the Minchiate tarot and got the Scorpio card in the Earth position. Not good. That means a lot of hidden vengeful shit happening on the day to day level. The end result was good the middle part was bad. Just as long as these assholes don't mess up my job and my cash flow, I'm cool. It's weird because I go to yoga in the mornings and get all blissed out and then walk up into that bullshit. I mean, I can see how a couple of "the crew," the ones that don't speak to me, always are looking to see what I'm doing. I used to have this other job like that where every time timet this woman walked around the corner near my office, she would turn and look. It got so bad that one day she almost bumped into the wall! I should be flattered that my energy attracts people.

I know this is a test. How can I pass? The only thing I can think of is to smile and try to be nice to people. The truth will eventually shine through.

Oh, I also did the tarot on Jessy (yet again). Lots of cups. It wasn't quite as rosy as before though. Some jealousy in the air position. The overall theme was Faith.

2002-08-10T09:42:00.000-04:00

Two omens this morning. I'm praying they're good. First, I had a dream with Amma in it. You can't just randomly dream about Amma. You can only dream about her if she allows it. (www.ammachi.org) The dream itself was cool. She was setting up for a tour and not many people knew about it. I was helping. There was a swami in the dream. At one point, we passed each other in the hall and looked at each other. That look acknowledged that we were friends. When I woke up, my third eye was itching.

The second omen was this. I put out the candle on my ancestor altar and went to eat breakfast and take a shower. When I walked back into my room, the candle was lit again!

I can't even imagine what will happen today... I feel that both signify help. In the dream, we were friends and friends help each other. The candle provides light to the ancestors so they can help me. So it was like, they needed extra light to help me.

Yesterday I had an epiphany. I realize that I am here to help the community of man.

What also happened yesterday is that I woke up "feeling the moon." I just felt a heavy female/yin vibrations. It was Friday so that helped since Venus rules Fridays. Anyway, I got the distinct impression that someone was wanting me. I think it's Jessy. Anyway, that lead to a whole meditative thought on what he wants with me. I came up with that he likes me and is curious but like to deal very slowly and with patience. Anything that happens too fast scares him (just like a rabbit) and makes him back away. It's because he's a rabbit in Chinese astrology but also because he is training himself to not be easily thrown off balance by things that come his way. So it's very much like a reaction. And me, well I was/am the queen of fast. But, I am really learning to take my time and like it...

2002-08-07T23:09:00.000-04:00

Went to Mitch's wake. I cried uncontrollably. It was not because he died (at least his suffering is over), it's because I felt like he was such a good and generous person. Such a role model. Sure I wasn't as open as I could have been around him, but that was mostly because of the catty/petty vibrations of some of the people around him.

It was really funny to see who supported him in his sickness and who supported him when he was drinkin' and druggin'. There was so much mess going on. His own roommate didn't even come to the hospital to visit him. But I'm sure she had her reasons.

Anyway, I'm just going to miss him so much, even though I only knew him for a year. He really helped to turn my life around and inspire me to get back into fashion.

Before I came, people got up to say what he meant to them. I didn't know that was planned. I missed it because I was taking a yoga class. That tripped me out a little. Then I realized that he would have wanted me to take the class. That was Mitch, always very encouraging.

I want to set up a teeny shrine with his picture, some sage and fashion stuff since he was a fashion designer.

Anyway, on another note, the temp job is pretty cool, even if I am sitting on my ass all day. One of the guys I work for is really funny. He looks like Fred McMurray. He seems really nice. I hope it's not an act. He's also tall and handsome. But I'm not attracted, that is, unless there is some money attached. Shame on me - - but it's true...

Guess who left a message? Jessy. He mentioned that he's been back from vacation for a week. I guess he assumed I'd be ringing his phone off the hook. In order for me to even call him, I have to dig his number out of a box. I made sure to put it away so I wouldn't call him.

What does he want with me? He can't really like me or want to hang out because if that were the case, he'd be in my face more. I feel like I have to be REALLY careful. After the wake, I really wanted to be with someone for comfort but I can't figure out the deal with Jessy, from a spiritual standpoint. I'm satisfied to let things peter out. I feel like we could end up having sex but I need to be really careful. What if some wild shit happens like the condom breaks? Could that be the crisis that the Runes and I Ching are pointing to?

It's official, I'm really a temp worker - - I bought a pair of shoes on sale from Ann Taylor on my lunch hour. They're white. I figure I can wear them to rituals.

2002-08-06T22:57:00.000-04:00

I know I've gained weight in the past two days. I can feel that my stomach is bigger. I have tried and tried but I just get so hungry working. It's weird because I eat more when I'm sitting all day than when I'm out and about. I can't stand to go to lunch and then come back and sit for four hours.

My one saving grace may be to take Ashtanga classes in the mornings. Sis recommended her old teacher. That would really be good for my metabolism. It's early enough for me to take a class each morning and then head to work. I've tried doing my asanas on my own in the morning for the last couple of days but I've hit a low spot. I think it's from the b.s. with the yoga bitch.

Sis made a comment that she thought traditional yoga was boring and that she liked Ashtanga better because it reminded her of dance. That's fucking pathetic and yes I'm being judgmental. You would NEVER hear anyone say that they prefer Kung Fu to Tai Chi because Tai Chi is boring. Everyone knows that Tai Chi is slow because of the way you move the energy.

Why do people take so many liberties with yoga? There's a yoga dance troupe, yoga competitions... WTF? The purpose of yoga, according to Patanjali, is to be able to sit still and meditate. So if a person is getting bored by the static poses then s/he is a long way off!

Anyway, I guess I'll see what all the hype over Ashtanga is. I plan to start on Monday.

Anyway, sorry to report that Mitch died the other day. The whole thing was really weird. He just deteriorated so fast. Anyway, I'm sure he's in a better place - - a lot happier.

The day the woman committed suicide on the train tracks, I was saw a vision of him sitting next to her. I guess that was a sign.

Speaking of signs, I did the I Ching on Jessy (remember him). I got the same thing as when I threw the Runes. Some sort of crisis will occur! :0 I don't even know what to think. What kind of crisis can you have with a person with whom you're not in contact?

2002-08-02T19:53:00.000-04:00

Subtitle = Fungible Me
Got a long-term temp job today at a law firm. I was so at ease during the interview I almost fell asleep. The partner looked at my resume and asked me suspiciously if I thought I could stay for three months. 'Ole gypsy me quickly said yes. I'll work anywhere for a dollar right? I knew I could do the job and I need the dough so that was that. And that was my attitude.

I figured I'd knit during my spare time or read the business papers (more about that later). Well, then I got a call from the agency. Apparently when I worked at the last firm, someone didn't like the fact that I was knitting. Stupid fools! If I do my work and have free time left over, why should they care? They're just jealous 'cause they haven't the talent. Arghhh! I hope my brain doesn't atrophy...

Speaking of temp jobs. I was on this assignment that was supposed to last three months and ended up lasting a day. I hated it. It was working for a hospital. The atmosphere was extremely unprofessional! There were all kind of sexual innuendos bandied about. I felt like I worked in a deli. Luckily the permanent girl changed her mind about her leave.

So far today I have spent about three to four hours shopping. It's been so strange. I swear that Spirit walked me into a store the other day and I walked out with some boots, leather pants, a wallet and a leather gym bag. I got the deal of a lifetime though.

Then today, I went into this store and they had silk designer blouses on sale! I snatched up four and bought a whole bunch of other stuff too including two pairs of sandals. And then... on my way back form the post office, I stopped in a vintage store and came damn near close to buying two pairs of shoes and a dress!

I realize that I never used to feel guilty when I was on my clothes roll. This was in the 90's. I had stupid clothes and shoes. I know for a fact that I had 100 pairs of shoes, not even counting flips and sneaks. What's the diff? I don't know. Maybe the guilt will ease. It's not like I have SO many clothes. The truth is that I need some nice summer dresses and skirts, I just haven't seen any.

If it helps any, I picked out about 30 pieces of makeup to give away. I should probably go through my clothes and pack up a bag. I'll probably do that in a few weeks...

Anyway, I was on the train the other day coming from the beach and a woman threw herself in front of the train and committed suicide. I was in the first car and could have seen everything. It was really strange. When I got on the train. I threw a bottle out of the door toward the garbage and it missed. It seemed like it rolled in slow motion, just like in the movies right before something bad happens.

Because the train was elevated, her body was cut in half and the lower half landed on the street below. It was ghastly. I refused to look although everyone else did. I just got off the train and wandered around. I was stone cold lost. Then, finally I found another train.

They say suicide is selfish and that was quite obvious. Her death affected so many people! The conductor burst into tears. There were other people crying. And what about all the medical and emergency personnel that had to clean up her body?

2002-08-02T09:15:00.000-04:00

Resolved yoga studio dilemma. Sis was key in helping and supporting me. She came to the last class. Maybe this will help our relationship. I hope so. It's a shame that we're not closer.

Anyway, after teaching the class, I ran into the owner in the store and we had a good heart to heart talk. She was VERY open and charitable. To me, she embodied the meaning of yoga. She said that she did not call me because she was very busy. She said that she felt like she was in an awkward position because she hired the coordinator and didn't want the coordinator to feel like she had no power. I knew that she would feel like that. That's very rational. She said that I could still use the studio at anytime for my personal use or even run workshops out of it! Hurray! That might have been the purpose of the this dilemma after all.

Now, I'm not under the eye of the beast (coordinator), I can just do my own thing and be free. I'm thinking of giving a four week workshop and charging an advance fee. I feel like I need to spread the philosophy of yoga and what it means. So many people take classes and don't have a clue.

Anyway, we hugged at the end and I'm going to send her an email of thanks. I was going to cc the coordinator but why should she be in the loop? It's funny because I spent hours crafting this long letter but I never got a chance to print it. I guess it wasn't needed after all.

Spoke to Sis about her health issues and how they are related to Spirit. She called me an alarmist and asked me to stop approaching her like this. I sort of understood where she was coming from. About a year ago, I had gotten a reading from Kim and Kim saw someone close to me bleeding to death. I told her about Sis and Kim thought it was her. I told Sis. It turns out that it was my cousin. She needed up being rushed to the hospital and almost hemorrhaging to death because of her fibroids.

Anyway, all I can do is ask the ancestors to help Sis. The priest said that my only responsibility was to relay the message to her.

I had this epiphany about why I don't have a boyfriend right now. I've been so many wonderful woman that I think Spirit is purposely keeping my "space clear." Normally when I have a boyfriend, I put a LOT of energy into him and limit my dealing with my friends. I feel very fortunate to have met so many positive woman this summer.

Maria left for the home the other day and I was feeling like, "so who will I hang out with for August?" Then, Mary came to my class and I also started getting close to two woman at the restaurant. I pulled Kaballah cards on Mary and June. I got Hesed for Mary and Vov for June. Two wonderful cards that encourage me to be more sociable with each one.

I was a little hesitant because Olukun counseled to be cautious of people trying to tamper with my energy. I pulled the Porcupine card today which also encourages me to be open. I have to strike a balance and use viveka to figure out who is right and who is wrong for me.

2002-07-30T08:52:00.000-04:00

Went to see the Ifa priest yesterday. It was great as always. Today I'm headed to the beach to do a ritual. I am so psyched. What he read is the same thing I've been feeling. There are people around me who are being false and who are sucking up my energy. We spoke about a long term solution which I am anxious to put in place. I would love to talk more about the ritual but I don't want to jinx it. I'll just say that it's exactly what the doctor ordered.

I resolved the yoga coordinator dilemma. I've been so busy that I realized that other opportunities will come and that not working at the studio will just open up my schedule. Between temping and waitressing, I'm working seven days a week or close to it. I'm at the point where I'm welcoming rest.

I do plan to write the owner a letter, just to present my side of the story. I can't believe that she hasn't called me. That's poor form. I don't plan to shop at her store again. To me it does not exist. The weird catch is that I'm still supposed to teach a class on Thursday. I invited a bunch of people to come but I've only gotten one solid reply. I asked in the reading if I should teach it, because I was totally prepared to not do it, and the answer was yes. I emailed the coordinator to confirm that I would still be doing it and I haven't gotten a reply. I hope she's still not playing games. I still can't help but think that she's an idiot. That's not said vengefully, just factually.

I think that's what has caught me most off guard. I've never dealt with a full blown idiot before. It's like meeting a clown in an alley. What do you do?

What else? I haven't been putting a lot of thought into men, that's good. I feel pretty satisfied although I'm still celibate.

My diet has gone to pot. Back to eating tons of sweets and my eye is bothering me again. It's from working so much and not having time to shop for food...

The reader saw something really dire for Sis's health. He said that her fibroid issues are not over even though she had the surgery. He said that she should go to her priest or monk or spiritual leader and seek advice. If that doesn't work for her, he said that she should come to him. I haven't told her yet. I know that it's true because when I did the hands on procedures before she got the surgery, I saw that Spirit wants her to devote more time to her spiritual practices - - as opposed to chasing her career. I don't think she will respond well even though, at one point, she also was into Orisha.

Feeling a little weird about Daughter. She's with her dad. She went with her dad's mom for a visit but then the mom left. I told Daughter it was ok to stay because that's what my intuition said. The background to this story is that when she was very small, she said that her father touched her vagina. There was a medical examination and a court battle and the court ordered supervised visitation for a while and then unsupervised visitation. I didn't mind the unsupervised visitation because he was with a long-term partner. But they have since broken up and she then suspected that he molested their daughter.

As for my daughter, I also strongly suspect that he engaged in inappropriate behavior with her when she was little. That's based on her own behavior and my gut feeling. Even before the issue came to light, I used to get the worst feelings of misgivings whenever she visited him. I chalked it up to him being irresponsible. I never suspected that he would "touch" her.

Anyway, my mom was livid that I let her stay for a summer visit. I just felt that my intuition was correct and that's what I told Daughter. I told her that THIS summer is ok but it doesn't mean that that will be the case for every summer. Part of it also was that I knew that if she were not allowed to stay, she would hold that against me eternally. I ended up telling her about the suspected molestation because she kept backing me into a corner about why she couldn't visit him alone. Her response was that she could "handle it."

Well, the last time I spoke to her she sounded funny to me. I asked her if anything was wrong and she said no but her dad was home. I think I'll end up using a couple of the oracles to figure out the deal. Maybe she brought the subject up to him. Maybe she spoke to her sister and found out that something was going on. Maybe he approached her. I just want her to open up and tell me the truth. I hope she's not thinking that the truth will have negative repercussions for him or her. I'll remind her that I can get to the truth whether or not she opens her mouth. For the record, I don't believe that he touched her again, but I feel that some issue has come up. I'm sure that Spirit divined all of it. Maybe she won't bug me about visiting him anymore.

2002-07-27T02:25:00.000-04:00

More drama. Now I know what the tarot cards were talking about. I got the Hanged Man and the Tower as well as a bunch of minor cards that spoke of things that are hidden.

The dumb bitch yoga coordinator called me today and told me that she is taking me off the roster. You could tell that she was really getting into the power of being able to say that. I told her that I thought should reconsider. Mainly because I refuse to allow the matter to drop. I called the owner of the store and left a message for her. Hopefully she will call me back. I just feel like she needs to know the truth.

The bitch is a liar. Plain and simple. She said that she thought I was incommunicative and inflexible. What a bunch of crap. She obviously doesn't know the meaning of those words. I was racking my brain and offering all sorts of solutions to the dilema. She's the one who is inflexible. Plus she lied to the group in the meeting about participating in the classes and lied to me yesterday about her own availability.

I also told her that I thought it was a control issue. Yes, I did. Satya, truth. I told her that I had taken a vow of truth when I was accepted as a yoga teacher and I felt I had to perpetuate the truth.

It's true, we were in a power struggle. She acted like I was supposed to be a subordinate. No, we're two grown fuckin' women. She can't stand to be challenged. But in the meeting many of the teachers were challenging her. If I want to work in a place where I cannot speak up for myself, I'll work in the corporate world and suck it up. What's worse is that there is no accountability. She basically could say anything to the owners about the teachers and if her word is the last word, then the teachers have no recourse.

I'm just waiting to see what the reaction of the owner is. I feel like she should at least hear my side of things. I've been faithful to the store/studio but it's not Disney World. In the end, I will never set foot in the store again, nor recommend it to anyone. In fact, I'll dissuade people from shopping there if I think the owner is unfair.

2002-07-26T07:14:00.000-04:00

Something really weird is going on with female energy and me. On my new waitressing job and one of my yoga jobs, I am having problems with "bitches." Both of these women seem to be intimidated by me and are making my life a mini-hell.

At the waitressing job, I feel like she has made comments about how I handle the tips and probably spoke to the owner about me. But she got caught out there yesterday when I asked her if she wanted to share the tips yesterday right before she left - - this happened in front of the owner. So immediately this let the boss know that I am willing to share tips and not a greedy person. She looked like a bird caught with a canary in its mouth. The other thing about her is that she eats a lot of the food, takes frequent breaks and uses the cups that I've set up for my customers. I can't stand her.

On the other job, the new yoga coordinator is bugged out. I really don't think that she knows what yoga is or means, even though she does teach. She seems more comfortable in a corporate hierarchy. Her ego is out of control and I swear she thinks the world revolves around her. We actually had an argument yesterday based on the fact that she can't observe my class for a substantial period during its allotted slot. And this is because she has another job at that time. Whose problem is that? She kept trying to manipulate the situation to make it seem like I was being inflexible when she should have been a lot more humble considering she can't do her fuckin' job!

I am mindful that these are probably tests sent from the Universe or perhaps there is a female energy hovering around me that needs to be addressed. I made an appointment with the Ifa priest for Monday. I also did a bunch of oracles last night. I got cards that said to be flexible (Vila) and also a courage and warrior card (Ishtar).

Since Chango has my head, I am naturally a warrior. The key is to mesh this with the compassion and love sentiment of vedanta. I even asked these new cards that I got. They have messages from Amma. She said that I am simply a part of nature. I took that to mean that I felt attacked and I defended my self.

Of course I considered an offense, in both cases. But I'm thinking that that would only complicate things.

2002-07-25T08:30:00.000-04:00

Still getting pains in my lower back on the right side. Liver? I took a yoga class and the pain went away. (I'm so proud of myself, I did the forward bend and was able to rest my chest on my legs!). I read that we can extend our lives by sending light into our cells. This thought inspired me to work on my liver. I used my breath and sent love into the area. Strangely, I felt like my liver needed love!

According to Chinese medicine, the liver is the seat of some emotion. I know that if your liver is imbalanced, you can be a very nasty person. I think Mom needs work on her liver if that's the case. Anyway, maybe my liver does need love since I do...

I did a tarot reading on my new restaurant job. It was bizarre! It seems that there is a hidden element there that I am blind to. I didn't get a lot of love cards so it can't be an affair. The whole things was really weird. I'll just have to see how it plays out. The only thing I can do to protect myself is to meditate deeply in the mornings. Meditation keeps me alert for bullshit, among other things.

2002-07-21T22:10:00.000-04:00

Well, the "new" diet has almost gone to pot. I can't seem to stop eating sweets. I did buy some chromium today. That, at least, should help me metabolize the sugar better.

Believe it or not, for the last two days, I've been working as a waitress! The tips have been great buy my legs ache. The job came through a friend. It's only temporary though...

The people who work there are relatively nice but the girl I worked with today was acting catty. I hate that shit. I'm not competing with you and I really don't give a __uck about your life so don't pay attention to mine! I can't stand catty women...and men...as in catty gay men like my two uncles and Mitch and his crew. In fact, I think catty men are worse than catty women because you never see the comments coming. Especially with my uncles who are buried deep in the closet. They are always commenting on my hair and clothing. None of my straight uncles or cousins really give a shit. It's like they want to be women. So get a freakin' sex change and leave me the hell alone!

Anyway, back to the job. There has been this really strange vibe where I feel like the counter crew is thinking that I am cheating them. The way it works is that I'm supposed to give them 20% of my tip jar during each shift change. And I do that. But there's always a little silence and awkwardness. And then today, the bitch actually had the nerve to say, "shall we count it!" I was like "do you." I almost threw the money on the floor. The thing was that it had suddenly gotten really really busy for me but not for them and they were trippin'!

Anyway, during that busy spell, I bugged out. I dropped the espresso filter in the garbage but didn't know it and coffee splattered all over my favorite shirt in the whole wide world! I lost an order and the people had to wait almost a half an hour to eat. Then I was so busy with this French party of fancy coffee drinkers, but lo and behold, they didn't leave a thin dime. Sorry, but I've found that the French don't tip very well.

Anyway, it's fun and I see tons of people -- read "men." None I have been attracted to so far though...That's good in a way, it shows that I'm not desperate. I think, in fact, that my vibration has changed radically. I no longer "search out" men. I think that all has to do with Amma's visit.

2002-07-17T08:19:00.000-04:00

Well Lordy Lordy, Jessy called last night. I was sleeping and didn't even recognize his voice. Of course he didn't identify himself because he assumed he was the only man in my world.

I was bored by the conversation and quickly got off the phone. I'm over him. What has helped is the book Dark Sister by Lynn V. Andrews. She addresses the power that women possess and how we give it away to men. That sounds like me.

What is strange is that yesterday, for the first time, I had this impression of Jessy being very passionate with me and giving me a lot of attention. I dismissed the impression and then he called last night. Hmmm. The Runes and Oracle of Rama were correct after all.

2002-07-15T07:59:00.000-04:00

I realize that I may be blogging less and less frequently. It's probably a reflection of the "new" me. I am really trying to be more patient in every area of my life. More patient and less frantic. That probably makes for less excitement all the way around. But it's a long term goal that will make for a more fulfilling life, I suppose.

Other changes - major changes to my diet. Rose gave me a bottle of herbal pills that are supposed to cleanse your liver, spleen, colon and kidneys. The way it works is that you take five on the eve before starting the program. Then the next day you drink 8-16 ounces of olive oil! To most people, this would be gross but I like olive oil. You can alternate sipping the olive oil with sipping the juice of lemons. That helps a lot. It wasn't drinking the olive oil that was gross, it was burping it up all day long that really bugged me out. Anyway, you take five more pills this first day. For the next six days, you take three pills and eat ONLY fruits and veggies. No salt or sugar, etc. You're supposed to concentrate on eating a lot of raw foods.

Well I did this and it worked really well. I saw all sorts of things come out, even little gall stones. I need a lot of support for my liver (it's hereditary) and I feel like this really helped. Now that I'm done, I'm really trying to have my diet be composed of mostly fruits and veggies. I am even limiting the soy and I would like to stop eating fish, at least for a while. I've been eating nuts for protein. So far so good. I've had a little cheese and a couple of pastries but other than that, I've been good.

What I really hope to do is only take in water one day a week and only fruits and veggies two days a week, in conjunction with the cleansing pills. I've always had gastro problems and I'm sick of it. I just can't eat like the average Joe, I know this.

Anyway, trying to be patient as far as relationships go. Part of me wants to be angry with Jessy for what I consider his rude behavior. But a more conscious part of me believes that through being patient, the answer to this ridiculous puzzle will be revealed.

I guess I lament ever meeting him. But then I look at it from his perspective. I introduced him to Sam-E and the Villoldo book, both are things that I think can really help him psychologically. So maybe that was the entire purpose. I just feel like I didn't really get anything out of it. I especially didn't get what I feel I really need which is a confidant. I have my female friends but it's quite different from having a boyfriend who is also your best friend.

I went to check out a gospel show with Lala. It was fantastic. We both were crying. We both said that we felt the same emotion as we did when we saw Amma. It think it's an emotion of devotion. I understand why I have it but I was surprised that she has it too. That's just because she didn't necessarily seem like a devotional person.

But the way I even met Lala is extraordinary. I just let her stay in my apartment without ever having met her. And, I was away when she arrived! But I was trusting in Spirit. I guess that's what it's all about.

2002-07-11T19:21:00.000-04:00

Wow! I can't believe it's been more than a week since I've blogged! That's the longest yet. The reason is because my grandmother was in the hospital and I had to fly to see her.

The truly weird thing is that the Ifa priest told me to call my grandmother a few months ago. I didn't and when I went back, he told me again (but I didn't)! So when I heard that she was sick, I was instantly paranoid. Luckily I was able to speak to her and then I decided to just go and visit before it is too late.

They never really found out what her problem was. Personally I think that she is getting ready to pass over. It's strange how she would chose to be sick during the time of the annual family get together. Maybe it was her way of saying good-bye to everyone. I wanted to come back home with an article of her clothing so that I could add it to my egun stick (in the event that she passes) but it felt really awkward to ask for it....

Anyway, going there was interesting. I saw a lot of relatives that I hadn't seen in a while. That's always weird for me since I feel like the oddball. You know, the health nut/freak with the weird ideas. I also felt weird because I felt like many of my younger cousins are "doing better" than I. They have the cars, the cell phones, etc. But then again, they're not really awake are they?

The best thing about being there was getting a firm grip on knowing what type of relationship I want. Cousin Jeff's parents have been together for 25 years and, at least from the outside, they have the type of relationship I would want to have. Dedication, devotion, love, loyalty, respect... that sounds good to me.

Speaking of relationship, I called Jessy yesterday. My main purpose was to remind him that he should see Alberto Villoldo www.thefourwinds.com who I think could help him with his inner pain and shut heart. But we only spoke for a few minutes and he took another call. He said he'd call back but hasn't. He's being an asshole and that's the truth. I'm getting sick of him being rude. I did the Oracle of Rama and the Runes. They both said to have patience. Hmmm. Ok but guess what? I'm not calling or emailing him again. Sorry. Let him keep my books. I really am not feeling this/him. This rudeness is driving home the point that he needs help. I'm not a psychologist. I only wanted to be his friend.

Anyway, I have been able to see Amma on her tour (www.ammachi.org) and she has helped me a lot with letting go of him. I just love Amma! If anyone is reading this and has a chance, check out Devi Bhava! Especially try to wait all the way until the end. I did this for the first time this year and I was brought to tears. Amma is truly an extraordinary person, not to be missed.

What else? I am letting a perfect stranger stay with me (Lala). I used my intuition to ascertain that she's cool. She arrived from Denmark while I was still away. However, I got a friend to let her in, so she was here when I got back. She' s cool! We get along really well. She is studying to be an artist and is the single mom of a young daughter. I met her through www.stay4 free.com. The deal is that I'll be able to stay in her apartment for free if I could ever get my ass over to Denmark.

Mom is bugging out over me having people stay with me who are not paying rent. What can I say? Spirit is introducing me to so many people and I'm more social than I've ever been. It's all in Divine Order.

2002-07-02T16:23:00.000-04:00

I guess I have to explain about the three previous comments. I had yet another interaction with a MUCH younger guy. He's cute as hell and there is definite attraction between us. No I could not be his mother but I could have babysat for him. I would love to give details but I am getting paranoid about him finding out about my crush.

A friend just told me that she has a blog from blogger and reads other people's blogs. Yikes! Luckily I haven't ever mentioned her (I think). Just to be clear, I don't really have any bad feelings toward anyone I call my friend. It's just that sometimes, your friends get on your nerves. Everyone knows that but to see something written about you, well, I think that might be hard to take.

Anyway, with this guy, Sam. I love his touch. We've never dated but because of the circumstances, we've physically touched each other. Also, we have this one common interest that is very important to me. Of course it's on the spiritual plane.

You know what is weird. His name starts with the same letter as Jessy's and he's about his age. I bet he's even a Rabbit. Spirit works like this. It gives you similarities between people. Another example is that Nicky and Noah's name both start with the same letter and they are both around the same age and I fell in love with each of them on sight. They both had a power over me that was unbelievable; and the "relationship" was absolutely platonic. I would have gone away with either of them in a heartbeat.

With Sam and Jessy. It wasn't love at first sight. And I don't feel a strong heart pull. But they both are familiar with one aspect of spirituality that I'm interested in.

Spirit works in patterns, that's for sure.

Second comment: I am a man-eater, meaning that if you're cute and have something to offer spiritually you are welcome into my body, soul and bed. I feel very aggressive about this. After realizing how I feel about Sam, I know for sure that there is a hunter part of me that looks for men that fit into this category. I want to bed them down. What is that about?

The good thing is that I an NOT pursuing Sam. Just like I didn't pursue Jessy. So so far, he's safe.

Comment three: "Stay true to your girlfriend." Yep, Sam has a girlfriend. So why does he look at me that way? I think people should be a lot freer than they allow themselves to be. He obviously wants to experience me. I think it's cool and yet I'm not looking for him to be my boyfriend. I don't see him that way. If he has any conflicting thoughts, then don't come to me. I don't like that secretive, sneaky stuff. I would never want anyone to get hurt.

Anyway, speaking of Jessy. I emailed him the other day. It was a long and honest email. I was feeling very open and at peace. I just told him that I missed talking to him about spiritual things and that I think things got off track.

Then I called him a few days later. He seemed glad to hear from me. We spoke for about four hours. All superficial or spiritual stuff. Nothing heavy. That's fine. And when we got off the phone, we didn't make any plans to speak again or see each other.

Vanessa says that he's scared and that this will take some time. He probably is scared. I certainly am not "waiting" for him. I'm glad we're back in contact. All the oracles were dead on. I'm not sure how I feel about him. I'm afraid of getting in too deep because the whole scene is unfamiliar and looks tricky as hell.

On the other hand, random thoughts of love for him filled my brain a couple of hours ago. The only thing I can do is let Spirit guide this and keep open to others. I know that he's my soul mate. But I also know that a person usually has several soul mates of either gender and of all ages. So the fact that he's my soul mate is of no consequence, really.

I do want to have a conversation with him about sexual healing. I would love to see what he thinks about that. For some reason I feel like I can help his heart chakra during sex. I don't know what I would get in return. That's a dangerous road.

2002-06-30T12:52:00.000-04:00

Can I meet a man to whom I cannot be his mother?

I am a man-eater.

"Stay true to your girlfriend."

2002-06-28T11:31:00.000-04:00

Major crying session this morning. Could be PMS... I lost a very important life insurance document. What's worse is that I need to make a payment TODAY or it'll be cancelled. That's sucks tremendously. What I realized is that I had the paper and was all set to make the payment when the rent bullshit jumped off. From that point on, every fuckin' dime was earmarked for the rent, and I completely forgot about it! Jumping from one crisis to the next.

I realized yesterday that a huge proportional of my time goes toward rectifying and taking care of financial issues. And it's not like I'm Donald Trump or something. All this time could be spent on things I enjoy doing that may get me somewhere...

Anyway, during the crying session, I also cried a few tears for Jessy. I haven't heard from him since last Friday. At first I was thinking that I really messed things up. The truth is that I wish we had just remained platonic and un-emotional. I miss talking to him about the esoteric stuff.

Oshun was right, in the two readings. I think in the third one, when she said we could be lovers, it was to give me the ok to fuck myself up so that I would drop the issue and him. Well it worked, sort of. It would be nice to have him as a friend. I just didn't feel capable of doing that then. Now I can.

I'm supposed to be going to a spiritual retreat in a few weeks. I'm really looking forward to it. It seems like every time I do one, major changes happen. Hopefully the changes will be good, although I accept that they could be "bad," meaning that layers of karma will be exposed that I'll have to deal with.

Anyway, the patience thingie lasted less than 12 hours. What in nature takes 2 1/2 years? Well, that's stupid, mountains, rivers, whatever. Well, all I need is a boyfriend. And, if I don't have sight of one by the 22nd of July. I plan to go to Orisha again for help. (Egun has been good, very good, but I might need Orisha.)

2002-06-27T09:41:00.000-04:00

I woke up with an amazing epiphany. It is beneficial learn to be patient because nature is ALWAYS patient! That's amazing because I thought there were times when nature acted very quickly. For example, earthquakes, volcanoes, flash floods... But when I thought about it, these things take time and are the result of build up. The shifts in the earth's plates don't happen suddenly and neither does the pressure that builds in a volcano. Even with flash floods, the rain collects first in the clouds and then is unleashed.

Fire may be the one exception. And I am double fire. But ... even though fires move quickly, it still takes (relatively) some time for the initial elements to come together to create the spark/fire/explosion. In other words, heat was generated, or gases collected, etc.

My thing with developing patience, which I know is one of my life challenges, used to be that not everything takes time so why should I have to wait? The thinking went like this, "Some things happen quickly, so why can't ______ ? "

Now I feel comfortable developing my ability to wait. At first I couldn't figure out if ignoring something was the same as being patient about it. It's not. Being patient is feeling each painstaking minute tick past, with neutrality. It's feeling each moment for what it is, not what it could be. Sounds like Zen.

So that's my latest discovery. I need to be patient about my career and love life. I need to stop fretting and eliminate the distracting frustration.

On another note, I used the Minchiate tarot last night for the first time. It's excellent. It's really simple. For some reason, I can read these cards better than any of my other decks. I know the reading was correct because an earlier reading on another deck expressed the same thing. That's great. Maybe the Universe will support me giving tarot readings again...

More than likely I will do a quick Rune reading on the latest with Jessy. I haven't heard anything from him and I'm just curious as to what the universe has to say about it.

2002-06-26T16:32:00.000-04:00

I am totally geeked out. This animation thing has me going. I am thinking of using polymer clay to do the animation for the story. I just checked google and the rest of the web. There's a ton of info and it's overwhelming. There's a guy, Budd Cardone, whose clay work I really admire. (I'd love to put up a link but that hasn't been going very well).

I just need to try this. It may even morph into something else, but hopefully not polymer clay jewelry - - don't like it.

Now, more than ever, I really feel like I need a husband to support me and my family while I work on these creative projects.

I also need to figure out which directions I am serious about. I've always seemed like a jack-of-al-l trades-master-of-none, to others, but now, my interests are blossoming exponentially and even I am becoming afraid of losing focus!

The same themes keep emerging, as they have over the last twenty years: writing, fashion, visual (primarily three dimensional) art, the esoteric. It's been bizarre to spiral around these themes while others go on to master them.

I saw Mitch at the hospital yesterday again. I broke down and cried. His right side is now paralyzed and he's getting worse. My point in bringing this up is that, he is a budding designer who was cut down suddenly in the prime of his life. Although he achieved a lot, he would have been capable of so much more had it not been for the sudden illness.

Time waits for no man. I'm tired of running around like a chicken with my head cut off, dipping and dabbing into this and that but not being able to really solidly support myself with any of my interests. I feel pathetic and the clock is ticking. I'll be an old woman, still temping to make a living.

What I have noticed at this job is that there are several artists here that thrive at their art AND work a 9-5 at the same time. I don't think they have kids though. That makes a big difference, I believe. They may have energy left over after work and on the weekends. I don't really. I tend to do leisure things to unwind. Or, of course, I deal with the kids.

Teaching yoga is about the only unconventional thing that I do that I make money at. That's no small feat; it's not like everybody can do it. But I can't live off of what I make.

What's in the future? I feel confident that in two years, I'll be able to offer and get paid for at least three holistic skills. I may be able to live off of that income. I'm not sure. That's in two years. What about in the meantime?

The writing is going well in the sense that I am really making an effort to focus on it. I also am meeting helpful people. But there's no novel in me that's bursting to come out. At the most, I could put together some adult and children short stories. What I am more interested in having my writing expressed visually through film (and possible animation). That's a production monster that, quite frankly, I don't have the skills for, at this moment.

On the fashion front, I could sell some stuff to boutiques within a year. I'm sure of this. But I haven't had the time to focus on this lately. Nor have I had the money for supplies!

The visual art is the least likely to bring in cash. I'm good at it but the venues for that are obscure at this time. Not that it should be for cash!

The bottom line is that I've always had some creative/spiritual gig going, ever since college; jewelry, soft sculpture, collage, glass, an esoteric newsletter, spiritual counseling. So that is who I am. The corporate bullshit has always been to put bread on the table. I just need everything to click.

Anyway, enough self-pitying. Plan number 4,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000,000 here I come!

2002-06-25T15:06:00.000-04:00

I'm at a temp job with a super obnoxious supervisor breathing down my throat! One more patronizing word from him and I will surely curse him out!

Luckily I'm also re-working the story. I got some great leads about animating it. I met someone who could do it, although I'm not sure that I like his style. I may give it a go myself.

On another front. Is it wrong to sleep with one of your students? The cutie showed up last night and I'm definitely interested. I think he may be too. Whoa Nelly! I need to slow my roll!

2002-06-24T11:42:00.000-04:00

I am completely exhausted! I strongly suspect that it's from the 9-5 I pulled all last week. I feel like my body is depleted of prana.

2002-06-22T13:02:00.000-04:00

I AM SO EMOTIONAL! And that's detestable from a spiritual point of view.

Jessy emailed me last night. He said that he had just gotten the phone message (Where the hell was he? What about the email?). The email was fairly dry. It was like he had no clue as to my side of things. He just said that he wouldn't mind hanging out again and that he didn't remember much of the earlier conversation except that he understood that I was feeling wronged and needed to do what I felt was necessary.

I got his email a few moments ago, AFTER I was motivated (by not hearing from him) to do 2 1/2 hours of looking back through my journals and mapping all my Rune, Goddess Oracle, Goddess Wisdom, Kaballah and Oracle of Rama readings for the last 18 months. That exercise was actually very helpful. I learned a lot about the oracles and my direction.

I had also emailed Lex yesterday with an emotional email. Basically I told him that I was going through it and wished he were with me. He was very sweet. He basically said that's he's always close but that he's very much in love with his partner.

In a strange way, the emails from Lex and Jesse cut like a knife while at the same time revealed that I am loved and appreciated by the Universe.

I really have to get a hold of my emotions. As a step in that direction, I have turned off the phone. I feel like I don't want people invading my space, for the moment.

In particular, I am re-evaluating my contact with Vanessa, Jessy and Rose. The Ifa readings that I have been getting for the last six months warn against people who suck up energy - psychic vampires. They are all nice people but I expend a lot of energy in dealing with them. Mom's also included in this category, but that's very delicate.

Now that I have heard from Jessy, I can really relax and look forward. I don't know how I will handle him. I think I'll just let things flow. I want to remain open to others - that's really important. Specifically, I don't necessarily want to see him or even talk to him on the phone. I don't feel like getting caught up again and I don't think we're on the same page. Not even in the same book.

A Rune reading that I did this morning on my love life in general says to relax, there is progress being made.

I think I have been learning a lot in the past two weeks. Certainly with Jessy but also with Vanessa. We hung out last night. I think it is wise to not have her as a roommate. Her energy is overwhelming and invasive. I am always in a certain mode with her. She's the clown and I'm her side kick. I can't do the summer like that. Besides, it's not like she would be homeless. She has relatives in town and could even have her own apartment (she doesn't like the neighborhood).

With her, I was thinking that I need to not be selfish and be generous. That's always the lesson I go for. But I think it's more than that. I think it's about protecting my space so that I can continue to develop myself.

I came across this cartoon about bloggers. It was funny. I guess there are several categories of bloggers including the narcissist. I suppose I could be included in that category if it were not for the fact that I've been keeping a journal for the last two decades. So writing my journal online seems very natural. I still keep a hand journal as well. The differences between the two are interesting. The blog is more gossipy. The journal is deeper.

2002-06-21T15:02:00.000-04:00

I'm bored as hell, so...

Just found out that there is no work assignment for me next week! Boo-hoo. I was so psyched about the money. I had made all these plans; including a huge complex plan to take a digital film course. The course is supposed to be the bomb and you can actually make your own films. It's expensive as hell though...

The course would be good since there are tons of films I've thought of; shorts mostly. It would also boost my stock and maybe get me some freelance stuff. The last film class I took was ridiculously archaic. I don't even know why they offered it. I never shot anything 'cause I wasn't motivated.

Anyway, browsed the net and came across a cool Chinese astrology site. Tigers (me) and Rabbits (Jessy) should never get together. Check this out:

"There is very little in common in this relationship. Initially, Rabbit admires Tiger" for his courage and outward looking but eventually Tiger dislikes Rabbit's soft nature. Bingo. Also, "Hostility and misunderstanding. Unable to trust or communicate with each other. SHOULD AVOID CONTACT AT BEST!" Whoop there it is.

I also found out that Vanessa is a Monkey. Monkeys and Tigers don't mix! I knew that. It's been weird because she helped me find this temp job and we've worked together all week. We're supposed to go out together tonight. But can she be my roommate? I am resisting like hell. Especially now that I know she's a Monkey! They can be dishonest and devious. That's not the vibe I'm trying to taste.

There was someone else interested in the apartment but she punked out. We met on Monday and she was supposed to come by yesterday. She didn't call or anything. What the fuck! The world doesn't revolve around her ass. It's probably for the best since it seemed like her boyfriend would be there 24/7. And of course, in my state, depending on how he looked, I might have been feeling him a little too much. ;-) Talk about devious!

2002-06-21T08:58:00.000-04:00

It's weird, writing a blog. I think I should be candid. And yet, certain things can be so embarrassing... Like, for instance, the fact that I caved in and called Jessy Wed. night. I was not sober, but I was clear. But I had the feeling like he would be dodging my calls and I wanted to test the waters so I called his cell and home phone from a pay phone. Voice mails. Finally, I called his house from home. He had something new, an answering service that informs the person who is calling. Needless to say, he didn't take my call. So I left a long message telling him that the last time I spoke to him, when I told him that we should not speak any more, I was in a very negative frame of mind because there were a lot of things happening to me that I couldn't process properly. I also told him that I'm feeling better and that I keep getting signs that I should talk to him, on a spiritual level. I wanted to let him know that I wasn't trying to talk about the emotional stuff. I asked him to contact me.

Well, that was very unusual for me, VERY! I've never done that. I only did it because I was starting to get spooked by the readings. I read various oracles a lot. Some once a week, just to get a feel for the upcoming week. So while doing this, I decided to pull a kaballah card on Jessy. I got Hesed. I was freaked out because it confirmed what the Tarot, the I Ching and the Runes all said. Emotional generosity, basically. By the way, ALL the reading have been favorable. It's very confusing. Jessy hasn't responded.

But it's not like I'm hung up. The truth is that I still feel better, overall, than I did when we were in contact. That time was very frustrating for me. There seems to be a spiritual overhang with us. That's really what I want to get to the bottom of.

In the same breath, I am putting all of my energy/concentration into having a partner.

I got yet another Tarot deck yesterday. I was just totally drawn to it when I saw it last week. The name is something like Minchiate. It's different in that it includes 12 astro cards and 4 element cards. There are other differences as well. The art is blah but the concept is cool. It's from several centuries ago in Italy. I hope I can use it for other people. Most of the oracles I use now, I feel so strongly about, and they work so well for me, that I don't like to use them with others.

2002-06-19T15:15:00.000-04:00

Still nothing. I am beginning to think it's a good sign. He probably thinks I'm crazy, and now, I'm thinking that he is. Either he's waiting to contact me or he is a cold-hearted son of a bitch who is planning to never contact me. But what about the books and videos?

More bad news is that Alicia's thing is not tomorrow but next week. But I am going to an event tonight, it's for women though... Tomorrow I teach, Friday and Saturday I go to things involving kids. So Sunday is the only day that I can hope to meet a guy. I'm supposed to visit Marnie at her house. By the way she describes her roommate, he sounds gorg! Alas, his girlfriend is Marnie's best friend.

Mitch is in the hospital. It was really sudden. I went to visit him. It's really sad. He hardly recognized me. It appears that his entire career is down the drain and he'll need help for the rest of his life. That just goes to show you how precarious life is...

Still at temp job. It's ok. Not too much work. I edited the story and I'm really proud about that. Been thinking about pitching it as an animation piece. I have a few contacts, hopefully that'll work out.

Daughter, Sis and Mom all left today. Hurray! Peace at last.

2002-06-18T10:55:00.000-04:00

Nothing from Jessy. The phone rang late last night and my heart started racing. It was for Daughter though... Son of a bitch, he better fuckin' contact me in some way or those freakin' videos are going straight into the garbage! This is interesting though, to see his temperament. Me, I get pissed, but I forgive easily. I'm not good for him, at least emotionally. And he's not good for me either, emotionally. Let's get to the sex part. Vanessa said that I should let him know that I'm not really down for a regular relationship, just sex and conversation. I think so too. Will he be prudish though?

I taught last night and the cute guy that came two weeks ago came again. He's sort of shy-ish but I'm interested. Hell, I'm interested in anyone with three legs, hahahah. Alicia is giving a social something-or-other tomorrow. There should be an interesting mix of people there. I NEED TO MEET GUYS! Vanessa says that the reason I'm freaking out over Jessy is because I don't have enough choices. This is true.

I refuse for this to be a long dry summer! I need it hot and wet! Hahahah ;-)

2002-06-17T10:56:00.000-04:00

Well, here I sit at a temp job. It's supposed to last a week and I am happy as hell because the money is outstanding. If I could just keep this up for six months, I could repay my parents, pay the last bit of my back rent, pay ADVANCE rent, pay off my credit cards. It would be nice to get my website established, save some money and plan some trips. Be responsible, basically.

Mom started some bullshit yesterday. I knew this was going to happen. Since she loaned me the money for the rent, she is trying to get into ALL of my business. Daughter was supposed to leave yesterday to go visit her other grandmother. Mom and Sister had a problem with her leaving so soon after school let out. They tried to make it seem like I was trying to get rid of her. What they don't know is that the plan was made months ago, when I was planning to go away. I just kept the plan even though I'm not going. I was looking forward to some peace and I thought Daughter wanted to go. Turns out that she wants to stay here for a few more days. So she's leaving Wednesday.

Believe it or not, I emailed Jessy. I couldn't help it. I haven't been sleeping. Really what the deal is is that I need to have sex. And he's the closest thing to a sexual partner that I have. The email said that I need to give him back his videos and get my books back. I also mentioned the I Ching throw from yesterday. Who knows what will happen. He'll probably totally dis me. I just want to screw.

2002-06-15T12:46:00.000-04:00

This is one of these hard moments. Son is here with his girlfriend and they have been pretty frisky. By the look on his face, I know that he's just thrilled to be a man and have a girlfriend. Okay. But his sister in now curled up in the fetal position taking a nap holding her teddy bear, she's 14. She has got to be feeling a little jealous and lonely.

I want him to feel comfortable and the apartment is really small. I just don't think he has a clue as to how important to Daughter he is.

I think I will talk to him about the his behavior because it's inappropriate in this setting. If we had a house and a basement or a separate room, that would be different.

{Aside} I know full well that Son fucked Girlfriend in the apartment on the couch when everyone went to bed. Mind you that our apartment is crazy small. It's really a studio with walls. I heard a lot of movement, her yelp, and him groan. He tried to cover it up by coughing. I remember those tricks. Like mother like son. ;-)

Just a little note on Jessy. I threw the I Ching on him and got 30. Synergy. A higher purpose to our relationship besides the mundane bullshit.

2002-06-14T17:39:00.000-04:00

Been doing good up until today. But it's raining and I'm crazy melancholy. Been thinking about Jessy all day; actually, all week. Half of me wants to contact him and half of me likes the new "me without him."

I got a reading from Rose. She said that the reason he didn't say anything during the conversation was because he was being macho. She said that he also is wondering if he should call but he's confident that I will. She said that he is unclear about what went wrong. I sort of feel that. From a purely spiritual point of view, I feel like I was impetuous and hasty; and that I betrayed his trust (since he shared with me that he has problems opening up). A thorough conversation would have been nice. I was just so hurt, I needed to make the hurt go away quickly.

Whatever happens will be telling. If he never contacts me or if he does, makes a huge difference. And I feel very sure that I should not contact him.

Rose keeps telling me that someone better is waiting in the wings. I keep hearing that. Well go ahead and make your appearance. I need it!!!!!!

2002-06-10T10:20:00.000-04:00

Well, on my way to give the landlord 2/3s of what is due. I got 1/3 from Mom and 1/3 from Dad. But not without being thoroughly denigrated by both of them. Such negativity spewed by Mom. She even made up some things because the facts weren't harsh enough. And Dad was physically cold. I told him so. He acknowledged it and tried to make it up. Everything changes when you're down and out. When I graduated from law school and was practicing, everybody was up my ass. That's how it goes. I understand that they are frustrated with me. I am frustrated with myself.

From this blog it may seem that I am a fool but the reality is that I have really tried very hard to have things work out. I know that what is happening is part of my spiritual development - - a test, if you will. Sure, I splurge and buy makeup but in the total scheme of things, I don't really indulge in anything. I may buy some makeup or an item of clothing or see a movie, just to keep my fucking sanity! And the trip that I planned this month... Well, that may seem stupid but my complete plan was to sublet this place for a bunch of money - - to use to pay the back rent. So that wasn't really a foolish plan either. But that didn't work out, and it's probably for the best. The back rent was an albatross.

Now my monthly rent is even higher since he put the last 1/3 on top of the monthly sum. I need a roommate for the summer while Daughter is gone. I am seriously considering Vanessa and her son. It's just that I don't know if I can live with her. I need a lot of quiet space and I can be rather anti-social... I would rather have a semi-stranger, male, who doesn't want to interact with me.

I have been toying with the idea of an email for this blog. I actually got one on yahoo. Probably no one reads this pathetic shit anyway. My main worry is attracting freaks, since I "talk" about sex often. But I'll test the water here: theunseenream@yahoo.com

2002-06-09T18:48:00.000-04:00

R.I.P. - Jessy and ____'s "relationship" 4/8/02 - 6/8/02

Yep. I told him last night that I thought it would be better if we didn't deal with each other on any level. This statement, or one like it, had be brewing in me ever since Thursday. I didn't hear from him until last night. And then, he told me that he had just gotten back from an event that I KNOW he knew I would have wanted to go to. It was a spiritual something or other. Plus, it turns out that the class that I was hoping to attend with him will happen on a day I am supposed to teach. But this is because he didn't get back to me soon enough after I asked him which day the class was on. So now I won't be able to attend the class, and I had been looking forward to it for two months!

To me, those were two signs to leave this shit alone. I felt really hurt yesterday. He unintentionally hurt me. That's the worst kind because at least if it's intentional, the person gives a shit.

It's the same issues every time. How much time he spends with me; communication, contact and consideration. The three c's. And I hate to be a moaning and groaning bitch to a man. They get fed up and develop a deaf ear.

Ironically, the Rune reading that I did and the reading that I got from Susan were unbelievably positive. The tarot reading from Susan contained ALL positive cup cards. Both readings talked about me being more emotionally generous and thinking outside of the box. I put forth every effort to do that last night but he was being so unresponsive, it was incredible. I mean, I told him how I felt like an afterthought and that I thought the energy level was really low and that there was an imbalance. I also asked him about his intent and motivation in dealing with me. He couldn't answer. It's true that I wasn't as articulate as I could have been. It's always hard for me to talk directly to someone when I'm hurt. Still, I know that he had to have at least an idea of what I was talking about.

He never uttered one statement of compassion. The only thing he said was that he doesn't call more frequently because he's out in the street a lot. Bullshit. He has a damn cell phone. When a guy is really into you, he'll call you regardless of his circumstances - - unless maybe he's in a different country.

But the main thing is that during the conversation, I picked up a weird vibe. This vibe like he thought I was sprung and would stick with it regardless. His super detachment and lack of emotion just propelled me to blurt out that we shouldn't deal anymore. His voice sort of cracked when he said good-bye. What the fuck?

And I feel relieved. The same way you feel after you have an abortion. It was really hard to do but you do it because you have to get back to normal.

So I've been sleeping a lot today. Daughter is away working on a project. I need to regain my balance and get back to my core. So much has been going on. Son called today and will be stopping by with Girlfriend later.

Ironically, Lest emailed me twice in the last few days. It's funny how I feel closer to him, a guy I met over the internet, who has girlfriend and a kid, than I do to Jessy, a man I knew and almost fucked in the flesh.

2002-06-06T21:37:00.000-04:00

Episode title: Tenth House Gone

Bought a bottle of B12 and took one. It's supposed to be good for stress. I wonder if I should take the whole bottle?

I was hysterical last night. Finally spilled the beans to Mom and Dad. Then later, Jessy didn't call me back and that was the straw that broke the camel's back. I just felt so fucked. I sat up in bed and tried to stop breathing. Well that didn't get me too far. I ended up walking in circles. I realized that I was having a nervous breakdown so I took a homeopathic sleeping pill. (Again I wondered if I should take the whole bottle.) I also slept with my mesa and my rune stone. The mesa really helped me to relax and gain a new perspective.

But then I had another fit this morning. I just feel really frustrated with my finances and especially with my career. I have the sun in my tenth house but the way things have been going, I feel like my tenth house fell off my chart completely...like there is no tenth house at all.

Anyway, mom ponied up 1/3 of the past due rent. It was totally humiliating because she went with me to the rental office. So there was me, a grown-ass rusty-ass woman with her mom paying her rent. The catch is that they won't even cash the check unless another third is paid by Monday. So she whipped out her cell phone and called Dad. Then they went through their post-divorce blame game - - in front of everyone - - even though they've been divorced for over twenty years.

So that's where it's at...hanging out in hell while Dad deliberates his relationship to his divorced ex-wife.

'Bout to end the thing with Jessy. I did finally get to talk to him and he's supposed to call me back. Things have been shitty all week. The communication sucks big time. I did a reading though. It was overwhelmingly positive for the future.

Other fronts - believe it or not, things are looking up in the dharma area. Meeting all kinds of contacts and making gains in the areas of yoga and ayurveda.

I just need for all this shit to mesh.

2002-06-05T19:34:00.000-04:00

I am a huge fuckin' loser!

2002-06-05T14:22:00.000-04:00

Good job by the U.S. team...about time!

A lot going on. I am bracing myself for a storm. I've just been trying to see things from a spiritual perspective... Mom is coming into town tonight. I guess I'll drop the bomb although I hate to do that after her long plane ride...

I thought last night about walking away from everything. I mean EVERYTHING. Daughter can go and live with her dad. That may be a crime considering their history together (I'm being cryptic to guard her privacy). Son is already an adult. Can I really leave all my books, makeup, clothes, friends, family, associates, lifestyle...?

How exactly do you walk away? I mean, how do you live without an income. I was thinking I would live in the mountains. Mind you that I don't know the first thing about camping or living in the wilderness. I don't even know how to get to the mountains on foot. I don't even know the direction to walk in!

Get this! My best friend won a bunch of money in the lottery! Here I am playing TWO different lotteries every day - - hoping and praying for a miracle - - and she calls me up to tell me that she won the exact amount I've been trying to win. I congratulated her on her good fortune. Instantly I realized that it was a test from the Universe to see if I would become angry and envious. But no, that's her good karma. I didn't and wouldn't even ask her for anything because she tends to be down on her luck often, so let her save it. Plus, her money is not my answer. It was funny because if I was going to tell her about the eviction threat, I certainly would feel awkward telling her now. So far, no one knows except the priest/reader who helps me (and ex-boyfriend Raymond, if he even got the email - - I've heard nothing). But all that is about to change.

I realized today that Jessy is afraid of getting closer to me and he is actively keeping his distance physically and emotionally. I think it's either deliberate or subconscious. That's why we see each other so infrequently.

I thought I would see him yesterday because we made loose plans but I didn't hear from him until it was too late. I was kind of pissed over that. I let him know (in an email) that I want to explore the emotional and sexual side of our interaction. So I plan to tell him that I think he's operating out of his comfort zone but that I'm way out of mine and that we need to either both be in some sort of comfort zone or both be uncomfortable. I want to see and feel more of him, so we have to figure out a compromise.

He seems reasonable and reachable by logic so let's see what happens. The bottom line is that I know now, after 20 years of dating, that it's not good to be uncomfortable in a relationship because it builds up and then you end up resenting the person.

2002-06-03T08:48:00.000-04:00

Watching Italy massacre Ecuador! Wow! Italy moves like one man, one mind. It's like they have eyes in the back of their heads. I predict they will win the entire WC. (I reserve the right to retract that statement)

Talked to Jessy last night. He made a statement that he hates when his partner plays games in a relationship. We weren't even really talking about anything like that but the comment did fit and I took it to heart.

Halideh, whose boyfriend is a Capricorn, told me that Capricorns don't like to play games. My intuition is telling me that I really need to eliminate the game stuff. I feel like it could be that HE is losing patience. The irony of the whole thing is that I've never been into playing games but all the knuckleheads I’ve dealt with in the past have been. So now, I find a man who ISN"T into it and here I am, playing games.

I still suffer from extreme lack of confidence. That, coupled with him being a "closed" person, is causing me to doubt in a big way. What I need is a spoken expression of how he feels about me. But I am starting to trust him more.

Here's an example: we haven't spent a Saturday together in two months, since the beginning. Now, usually, if a guy doesn't spend Saturday with you, he's out with someone else. But I know that he hasn't been with anyone else because he always tells me what he's done over the weekend. So I have to just trust. He's not the average guy.

2002-06-01T10:02:00.000-04:00

Bored and procrastinating. There's a ton of stuff I need to do today. Most of it having to do with promoting my yoga teaching and finding a job. I am the worst procrastinator in the world!

I think I'll travel to see Mom when she gets back from Asia. I need to ask her for the money for the rent. And I need to do it in person. She's going to hit the roof and I'll be called a fool and we'll revisit my history from the day I was born. She may not even give it to me. But if she does, she'll try to have a hand in every freakin' decision I make from now until one of us is six feet under.

The reader said that I need to stop hiding things from her and get closer. She always asks me to share what's going on but my life is so bizarre and so different from hers...

I was "guided" spiritually to contact Raymond (ex-boyfriend) and Half-Brother about the loot. I emailed Raymond and have heard nada, zip. The last time we had contact, it was not pleasant so who knows. And yet, we were sooo close at one point...

I have been trying to call Brother but weird things have been happening. First of all, I didn't even have the number and his daughter has not returned my calls. I think she's really pissed at my dad for the way things went down after hmy dad's mom died. Complicated but the reality is that my dad has never given his son or other daughter (Half-Sis) the attention they deserve. The paternal side of my family is truly fucked up!

On the relationship front, I want Jessy to come over again. The deal is that we can use Sis's house because she'll be away until the 5th. So I want to make that happen but not seem desperate at the same time. Still disappointed that he's not really courting me. I just don't have the patience to do what I'm supposed to do to make that occur. Plus, because of his issue, it would be doubly hard.

But that's a pet peeve. I don't think I've EVER been courted. Only when I start to end the relationship do I start to get the attention I want.

2002-05-31T11:20:00.000-04:00

We finally "did" it. Actually, we didn't have actual intercourse, just extreme foreplay. He seems skillful! I am sooo unbelievably psyched! And his unit is worthy; huge sigh of relief. He actually taught me something. So now I am like totally stoked waiting for more.

And for the first time, I felt really insecure afterward. I think it has to do with my low self-esteem. With everything that has happened to me over the last four years, I have the self-esteem of a mutant flea. Sadly, it's all tied to my achievements, or lack thereof. That's ridiculous. I have to overcome this. I think the key may be in getting close to Spirit.

Even now, I'm unsure of what's next. My libido has been climbing ever since we fooled around. I feel myself reverting to my old self of just wanting to connect sexually as much as possible. But, I still feel that I need to hang back and keep my roll slow.

By the way, I went back to the reader and Jessy and I have the go ahead toward lovership. That was a relief. I guess I just had to get to know him better. Spirit knows how gung ho I can be when I like someone.

The reader said that things are fucked for me right now; not hugely encouraging. There's a lesson in all of this - - probably something about remaining still in the middle of a storm.

I sent out three resumes yesterday. Only one of the jobs is one I really would be interested in; and editorial job. I plan to send out a few more today.

I took the time to watch Senegal kick France's ass in the World Cup. That's the sexiest sport in the whole world! I could be a groupie in a second!

I hung out with Vanessa for the first time in about four years! She's a riot, very eccentric and off color. She dresses so conspicuously that the whole entire world stops to look at her when she's in the street. Together we met this very down to earth woman who works in a segment of the art industry. I felt a real connection with her although she seemed a little TOO interested in me. There may be that lesbian thing there. Anyway, I am hoping that our meeting was fateful and that she and I are supposed to work together in some way. What a way to live your life, by chance. But that’s why Vanessa and I vibe so well. Our lives are roller coasters filled with hidden bombs. The difference is that she really gets off on it and I DO NOT!

Vanessa told me that every year she "extorts" big money from her dad because of their incest issues. It's definitely a sad story although she made it hilarious. What's sadder still is that I kind of wanted the horny rich bastard's address and phone number. ;-O

2002-05-30T07:45:00.000-04:00

Bingo!

2002-05-28T17:12:00.000-04:00

Extreme revelations! Once again a voice urged me to call Jessy, so I did. We had a good heart to heart talk and it turns out that I was misjudging him completely. Now I can finally see why the oracle cards and the readers have been hinting of something mysterious and hidden surrounding him. I don't want to betray his trust in me so I can't give the details. But basically, he's not really in a position to have a solid relationship with me. It's not that he's married or has a girlfriend or is gay or has a disease, it has to do with an issue he is struggling with.

The good thing is that I struggled with that same issue until less than one year ago, so I can help him. It's beginning to look more and more like we are together for me to help him. Big sis?

He's so sweet. I was totally off the mark! I cannot make ANY assumptions about him or his behavior. That's a waste of my time and is enormously disrespectful to his spirit.

I did manage to invite him to see a video tomorrow. I will not make a move on him although I will still dress sexy - - can't help that part.

Gave someone my resume today. That's my first step toward getting out of this mess. I need to earn big and steady cash right about now. If I do end up going to landlord tenant court, at least I can say that I have a steady income.

I also met someone that I felt close to although I really don't know her. Turns out that she's really into astrology, did the Vedanta trip and is an artist who works a 9-5 she hates. I just feel like we are supposed to become friends. I have already sent her an email. I guess I am as aggressive about pursuing female friendships as I am about pursuing guys!

2002-05-27T13:45:00.000-04:00

Feeling much better today so of course my thoughts of Jessy increased. The funny thing is that even yesterday, as fucked up as I was feeling, my mind kept wandering back to him...

I have this beautiful plan to invite him over to Sis's apartment after she leaves for Asia so we can watch a video. That works for me because it's not the huge intimate step of inviting him over here.

However, if Jessy does not call me today to hang out, I really am going to have to leave him alone. It's gorgeous outside and if he does not feel like being with me on this beautiful spring day then we are wasting each other's time. You only get what you give and I don't feel like he's giving enough of himself. Regardless of the words that flow from his lips, actions speak louder than words.

{Later} I just got finished speaking with Son, who is the same Sun sign as Jessy. He set me straight. He told me that he has limitless energy when he really likes the girl. But if it's only a "thing," he only puts enough energy to maintain it (as opposed to moving it forward). Voila! Eureka! Why am I involved in this bullshit?

2002-05-26T12:48:00.000-04:00

Went into an uncontrollable rage last night and hacked my favorite plant nearly to death. What happened is that the pot tipped over and spilled dirt all over the freshly scrubbed floor. It was more than I could handle. I took a broom and beat the shit out of the plant.

I hate when I get taken over by rage. I really have to watch that. At least I never touch another person. I have to figure out what to do when I feel rage coming on. I normally look to destroy things. Somehow the tension within me is transferred down my arm and into the unlucky object.

This morning was rough. I had an anxiety attack in the shower. I managed to do some deep breathing and took my last San-e pill. These pills really work. Unfortunately I feel that it's wearing off now. I need to get some more but they are so expensive!

I just wish I could turn into a speck of dust. I feel...unhappy...unfulfilled...? No. It's more like unnecessary. Like whatever little trip I'm on, whatever struggle I am going through is pointless. I mean, who cares if it helps to shape me and build character, or rectify karma, or prepare me for enlightenment? So I can just come back in the next life and do this bullshit all over again?

I think the best plan is for the universe to contract on itself and go back to being that micro atom it started from. This might be one step past the "back to the land movement". The entire universe is a ghetto anyway.

2002-05-25T14:34:00.000-04:00

Still feeling very much drained. I got the dreaded letter from the Landlord yesterday. It fucked up my whole weekend. He, basically, is sick of my shit, as am I. He gave me a few weeks to come up with a year's worth of rent. Many tears have been shed by me and the playing of the Gayatri mantra ensued.

My relationship with Daughter has gone downhill completely. Earlier this week she was sick and very endearing and cuddly. The moment she recuperated, she became THE BITCH; very hostile. She's pissed about all of the enrichment activities I have her enrolled in and she doesn't think that I buy her enough clothes. Luckily she is away for the weekend and I can completely chill out.

Stomach problems are back. A&N prescribed a curious pear diet which was supposed to help me detoxify. It's eating 4-5 organic pears a day and 5 basil leaves a day for 2 weeks. I started it and it worked wonders. The problem is that I bought some pears that weren't ripe and therefore had to go a couple of days without eating any. Plus, it's really expensive. Organic pears are not cheap. But I immediately noticed the difference in my skin and stomach. I really need to get back to that and then I think I'll do the colon, spleen, kidney and liver cleansing that Rose recommended. I need to eat better too. My diet is a reflection of my mental state; instant gratification and emotional eating rule.

The good news is that I finished all my spring cleaning and the apartment looks immaculate! It took six weeks but it was worth it. I really need for it to stay clean so that I don’t lose my mind.

I have heard nothing from O. He had asked me to call him at home which I thought was a ridiculous request since he had my home phone number. Who knows?

The story with Jessy? Unbelievable. I had so made up my mind that I wasn't going to talk to him until July. Then yesterday, I went to see Y Tu Mama Tambien. (I think it's overrated, by the way. It was disjointed and often trivializing. I think it's gotten such rave reviews because it's "raw." ) When I got home, he had left a message and I called him back. I did a little meditation first so that I would be able to communicate effectively and not have anger in my voice.

I told him what I thought about the declining state of our communication. He seemed surprised. I told him that I felt like we didn't know each other. He said that he knows he is pretty closed because people have told him so. Now it was my turn to be surprised. I never got the impression that he was closed. I am closed. I don't make friends easily nor let people "in" readily. But he always seems very sociable, etc. Anyway, he said he wasn't sure how to be more open but he was open to suggestions. I asked him if he liked hanging out with me. He said yes. I made sure to tell him that I need to be able to feel more. (At least I think I told him that. The conversation was difficult for me specifically because I am such a closed person). I know that I told him to let me know if he is unable to direct energy toward me because of any reason. Basically, I would rather he be honest and let me know than for me to be wondering, or feeling a lack of energy coming from him. I also told him that I don't have any expectation toward our interaction. This is true. I can deal with being friends, lovers, whatever.

So we may get together this weekend. It was good to talk to him and I probably should have done that sooner. The only way to deal with his "loner" "closed vibration" is to just accept it, if I choose to. I definitely don't have the energy, in light of everything else that is happening with me, to "unravel the mystery of the man." Things will just have to flow. We talk whenever we do and see each other whenever, as well.

2002-05-23T15:33:00.000-04:00

Just woke up from a nap and I am in a really nasty mood. I am sure that I will be rambling in this entry.

My finances are truly fucked. Tons of bounced checks... I need to be careful about the work I do for people. I need to really talk to A&N about how it's all going to go down. I gave them a figure for the editing and A said it was too much. I just may not do it at all, I can't give out my time without getting what I deserve in return.

The day has been a trip so far. I feel like I have been dealing with so many different energies that I feel zapped. I got up early and wrote down the stuff that I had planned to email to Jessy; basically how I felt how our interaction has been deteriorating. (I ran into Clark last night and we talked for 90 minutes in the grocery store. We mostly talked about his love life until I forcefully brought Jessy up. Why do people feel like it's ok to dominate the conversation about their shit? Anyway, he suggested that I talk to Jessy as soon as possible. So that's how I came up with the email idea, since he didn't call me last night.) Then, out of the blue, O called! He's the friend of Jan who I emailed. I ended up talking to him twice today already!

He's SUPER aggressive. I actually don't mind that. In the few moments that I've spoken to him, he learned more about me than Jessy; strange but understandable. I ended up telling him a lot about my life and he told me about his. He sent me a few of his poems that he wrote. One had some sexual references so I'm not sure if that was appropriate... At least I get a lusty vibe from him. No fear of making it with him, if it ever gets to that. That proves that I should just trust my instincts.

Anyway, O came on strong but you know what? I'm no fool. I refuse to be whisked away based on someone's actions. He asked me to call him tonight - - we know that won't happen. (He's computer/net savvy so I guess I should be careful about what I blog!)

Talking to O really helped me to put my interaction with Jessy in perspective. Jessy hasn't asked me jackshit about Daughter or even about my job interview from which I called him the other day. I don't think he's as spiritual as I once thought and I don't think he's really interested in me. I think he needs someone who is younger than he is and who he may be able to move in with. He hinted a few times that he's looking to move.

But it was weird, instantly O's vibe superseded Jessy's. And my anguish about Jessy damn near disappeared. I will not email him what I wrote, in fact, I am erasing his email address from my account. The best way to deal with Jessy is to ignore him because I don't think he really will get the point until he FEELS my unhappiness with the situation. If anything, the way things are going, his ego may get stoked by me wanting to see him more, etc. So ignoring him is the best way to go for now.

In truth, ever since I spoke to O, I really don't give a shit about either one of them. Is that strange? I need to get myself together; my vibration is not available to be fucked with.

Oops, Jessy just called! And true to my word, I told him that I was leaving and hung up the phone! Hmpf!

2002-05-22T07:19:00.000-04:00

Update on social life: Went to Dom's party. He's gay and so were most of the men there. It was nice to see him though. I am so hoping to work with him one day. I just have to polish my skills. I need to work on that for the fall.

I realize that I have just dropped my art and even my writing. I need to edit and re-write that story and get it out. I've been so busy working with JT and his crew for money that I've sort of left my own stuff behind...

Anyway, the situation with Jan and her friend O has heated up. To recap, she sent out emails to a bunch of her female friends about eligible bachelor O. Well, I emailed her a few times to ask questions and evidently she told him about me and he cannot wait to talk to me! That's really nice and something to look forward to. He's my age with kids, divorced. That's more my speed than the "young'en," Jessy, who is confounding me at every turn. I made sure to wait a few days and then emailed him last night. We'll see what happens.

Jessy is once again on my nerves! I figure that there are three ways to go with this.

1 - I can confront him and tell him why I am slowly getting pissed,
2 - I can ignore him,
3 - I can let him play himself with this stupid bullshit game he's running.

I am most likely to do #3 although #1 is more my natural style.

Basically he hasn't called me. I called him yesterday because I was in the street and had some down time. He sounded happy to hear from me but who knows. My intuition has been shouting at me to watch him because he's tricky. I think he's used to woman responding to him in a certain manner. I am sure they fall all over him. I think he was initially intrigued by me because I didn't fall into that category. But now, he senses that I am VERY interested and he has pulled all the way back so he is doing the bare minimum; whatever he can get away with. The funny thing is that we haven't even kissed yet and this type of stuff doesn't usually happen until after the guy has scored. I think it's happening now because he sees the potential of us and also because he knows it's going to be hard to get me into bed. So it's like this really important step has been skipped. That's a fatal mistake because if we ever do sleep together and I don't like it, his entire game strategy collapses in an instant. But maybe he's really confident that I will love it. Maybe I will. But for now, there's someone new on the horizon which gives me extra strength - - it's like a Pac Man power lunch.

2002-05-20T12:54:00.000-04:00

Success. Yesterday, I felt this overwhelming, uncontrollable need to call Jessy. So I left Satsang early and called him from the street. He was psyched to hear from me and came into town. We went to the movies. As usual, he was stunningly beautiful. I actually fell backward when I saw him.

Anyway, he put his arm around me while we walked and held my hand in the movies! I kissed him on the cheek in the theater. Progress! He walked me home but we just hugged at the door. However, I now feel much looser and MAY invite him over for dinner within the next two weeks.

It was really good to see him because I was holding so much tension about the situation. Plus, just physically being with him was great. However, before I met him, I was in the bookstore reading this book written by a bunch of guys on relationships. It said that sometimes a guy will turn on the charm on a date and talk about the future of the relationship just to keep stringing the woman along, so that he can have sex with her when he wants to. Last night, I kept trying to figure out if this was happening.

It also said that if a guy doesn't see you on Saturdays and/or he sees you infrequently, he's treating you like a "phone buddy".

A "phone buddy" is a woman with whom he wants to keep his options open but never plans to get serious. It sounds like Jessy and I are phone buddies. I am waiting to see what his response will be after this great outing. If he goes back to the same old "advance/ retreat/no Saturdays" routine, I will DEFINITELY talk to him about it. Even in the book it said to clarify or confront the guy and that 9 times out of 10, he'll come straight with you and tell you that he just wants to hang out with you but isn't planning on ever being serious.

I actually can hang with the idea of being a hang out partner since I'm not sure Jessy is marriage material for me. How about that! Good times and sex may be all that I need/want from him.

I find that men naively believe that every woman is looking to get married. NOT! We size you up and put you in categories just like you categorize and size us up.

Another great thing that happened is that I found out that his rising sign is Aquarius. Hallelujah! That is so refreshing against his sun Capricorn and moon Virgo. He's a free spirit. I knew it would either be Aquarius, Sagittarius, Leo or Libra. While reading about Aquarius rising I was busy formulating a conversation in which I would REALLY let my guard down and become my instinctual self. The self who follows her heart and pussy. Then, I got to the part where it says that Aquarius rising men like challenges! Enough of this challenge bullshit already! So anyway, I remain aloof.

But I can tweak my strategy a bit. I may have seemed a bit stodgy to him. Aquarius rising people like spontaneity, travel, and they are unique and rebellious. That makes me feel comfortable because I'm like that. I get along really well with Aquarius people, it's one of my favorite signs.

Next step, I am dying to deep kiss him! And oh yeah, bring on the sex too!

2002-05-19T09:05:00.000-04:00

Well I get mega-brownie points! Jessy called me damn near midnight last night talking about how he felt bored. He was on his cell phone and headed in my direction but I refused to suggest that he come over or that we meet! Yes! A mere 5-7 years ago that would not have happened.

And, I even mentioned that Daughter was away spending the night over a friend's - - just to drive home the point that it COULD happen. He made a few hints but never came right out with it. That's to his credit. He's quite well mannered. I imagine he's the type to try to gauge what he can get away with respectably.

Had a somewhat deep meditation at my altar. I asked what the consensus was about him. What I got is that he's not what I NEED. I need someone who really "has my back" but with love and devotion. In other words, a man who truly adores me but can also help me. Let's face it. I sort of need it. I could really relate to the part in Monster's Ball where Billy Bob tells Halle that he wants to take care of her. I am independent but hell, those who need, yield.

I also had a moment of clarity where I figured out exactly what it is that I like about Jessy. Well he's fine as hell, I know that I've mentioned that several times. He's drop dead gorgeous, like perfect. But he's not vain. I'm such a sucker for a pretty face. Even my astrologer told me that it's in my chart - - the guy has to be good looking.

The other thing is that there is a certain electricity between us. I'm curious about it.

On the other hand, I have no idea what kind of body he has. He's always in baggy clothes. We seem to be opposites in many many ways. We don't even like the same movies. And there is this incongruity that I feel now. Talking with him is not the same as I've experienced with Mike or Raymond. Even though I can talk to Jessy for hours. We both have to really get loosened up. I don't know. Maybe that's because he calls me a lot from his cell phone when he's on the street so he's naturally more tense.

In any event, I think the counsel to just have fun with him is on point. I now understand that he's not "the (mighty) one."

Still, I plan to invite him to an event today. He had already told me that he would be in this particular neighborhood but I forgot to mention it last night.

I have two opportunities to meet someone coming up. Dom invited me to a party tomorrow. I wasn't going to go but then I ran into him yesterday. I figured that was a sign. Older wealthy people will be there. I should really try to seduce someone instead of being my usual aloof self.

The other thing is that I plan to email that friend of Jan. I am trying to get a tad more info from her but if I can't reach her, I'll just go ahead and do it this coming week.

2002-05-18T10:36:00.000-04:00

I woke up extremely horny and I think it has something to do with the rain. It rained all night and it's still raining. But it doesn't feel like a normal rain. It feels like an Oshun rain - - wet, sticky, sweet...

I'm just feeling very passionate and filled with love and desire. I wish I could speak to Jessy but he's probably sleeping. But even if he weren't there's no chance in hell he would call me this morning. Sadly I am thinking that I may actually tell him that I want to connect physically. It's the rain.

I just feel like throwing caution to the wind and doing the energy thing - - I need to discharge.

Approaching him is so against my plan of playing hard to get. Let's face it, I suck at that. And even if I've followed all the rules of the game, he's very sensitive so I KNOW he knows that I'm jonesing for him. I am sure that he can just feel it.

And all the way on the other hand, regardless of what we are supposed to be to each other: friends, lovers, enemies..., I still do not see or talk to him nearly enough! Today will make three Saturdays that we haven't seen each other! That's fucking ridiculous. I mean, he just does not want to see me right? Well, then let him stop calling me damnit! That's the thing I don't understand. Why is he still hanging in there?

So, I have to take a stand. Regardless of whatever dreams, oracles, messages, signs, etc., I cannot go on like this. There is nothing for me to sink my teeth into! It's like interacting with air. Or wind rather because every time I do speak to him I get ruffled. Then it dies down. I really don't know what to do. I'm the active "take charge" type of gal which could very well mean telling him to never call me again and we'll just do it in another life. That's extreme but not beyond me.

I'm going to wait this out a little while longer and see what happens. I think I am going to have to stop engaging him. Hopefully I'll get busy with someone else to distract me.

I met this astrologer at a indie film and she said that psychically she feels like Jessy and I are supposed to have fun together. That's what everyone says. She said that I probably attracted him because he's on my descendant. That probably means that he is probably supposed to help me in some way, I'm guessing. At least that's what happened with Raymond. I was on his descendant and Lord knows I helped him like crazy. I am also on both of my kids descendants too. I feel like they attracted me to be their mom.

She also said that our moons are inconjunct (his in Virgo and mine in Aries). That means that the whole thing will feel odd and unfamiliar to me. Well that's the truth. I can't figure him out. I feel like he throws contradicting messages. Lately I've been feeling like there is something burdening him (that doesn't have anything to do with me). I plan to ask him, if he would ever freakin' call me.

2002-05-17T21:54:00.000-04:00

My rent check bounced and that's a drag. It's also a joke considering it wasn't even for the full amount. And the sad thing is that it wasn't even my fault. The money was there but another creditor pulled money from my account mistakenly.

The good news is that I made some money today and am going to be doing some editing and proofreading for a couple of authors coming out with a book.

Jan sent me an email about a male friend who is looking to date. She sent it to all her single female friends. He's my age and supposedly has a nice physique. He speaks a couple of languages too. I have been trying to call her to get more details, like how is face and teeth look. I definitely plan to email him. I've got nothing to lose. I've been working out a lot so I'm in shape. All I have to do is meet him in one of my sexy dresses and it's on!

I pulled a couple of oracle cards about my love life. Both cards said that I am burning up with desire - - that I am basically in a frenzy. Like I said, it's on!

2002-05-16T18:03:00.000-04:00

Jessy called. I love him and am in love with him. That is, if I don't lie to myself and acknowledge what is deep in my heart. And yet I will not go down without a fight! I refuse to suffer a broken heart or set myself up to get rejected. Rather, I will swallow my pain and implode.

2002-05-16T09:59:00.000-04:00

Ok. This is the final take on Jessy. I know I have been vacillating but I realize that our situation is not normal. The night before last (that night I was really angry at the world and especially at him because he didn't pick up my call, twice) I had two dreams about him.

I won't go into the details but the second one involved three deities. The third deity gave both of us matching gifts and told us to keep the object "so that we could always find each other" or "so that we could always be together." The first deity mentioned something to him about cutting his hair. It turns out that before he cut his hair a while ago, he did a reading and THAT deity came up.

So we know that the dream was not a normal dream but a message.

The number "10" came up a lot. I am not strong on numerology but I felt intuitively that it meant difficulty because 10 is the first number where there are two digits. So it's almost like "1" gives birth to a second digit.

Anyway, I told him about the second dream. Also what happened in the dream is that there was woman who professed her love for him. He professed his to her, but not as strongly. I then professed my love for him (weakly). I told him this part of the dream but left out the part about me professing my love - - I just couldn't go there.

That opened the door for me to ask him about his love life, in a sense. He said he didn't mind answering and that there is no one in his life currently.

The beginning of the conversation was kind of stilted because I did tell him that he pissed me off by not picking up my call. He apologized. I also was weary of the phone games and my own head trips so my vibe was weird.

I know that the impact of the dream would be great so I tried to lessen it by saying that I think that we have a spiritual connection/mission. And that there was really no "romantic" vibe to what the Goddess was saying.

I told him that I think I had the dream because I needed to know why our paths crossed. He said that he also didn't think it was coincidental the way we came together. By the way, I had sent him an email inviting him to satsang. He didn't come. (I, though saw a gorgeous guy which means I may have to go on Wednesday to see if he goes regularly.) When I got home it was late and he hadn't called. I just struck up a conversation with Spirit and said that if he doesn't call by midnight, I am completely "x"ing him out of my life. Well, the phone rang at 11:15. More proof that our deal is Divine.

But from this day forward, I am letting Spirit guide me, us, as to how we're supposed to interact. The romance aspect seems to be shot to shit given the heavy spiritual vibration of everything. And, I keep admitting that I am not really sexually attracted to him. In other words, I don't really lust after him the way I did with Lex. I don't find myself daydreaming about having sex with him. At the same time, I am curious and feel that he MAY bring a lot to that area.

So whatever is supposed to happen will. I am concentrating on my trip, in a month. I still don't have the first plane ticket!!!

2002-05-14T20:07:00.000-04:00

I am REALLY pissed. For one thing, I am tired as hell. Took a three hour yoga class but before that, I went to the 'burbs to check out apartments for Mom. And of course I had to be fly, so I ended up walking around in my boots and my feet hurt.

But the main reason is that Jessy called the fucking minute I stepped out of the door. Let's start at the beginning. I called him last night, after I vibed that he would NOT be home. He has caller i.d. so I knew he would know that I called. Anyway, so he called today when I was out and Daughter, instead of telling him that I wasn't home, which would have been perfect, told him that I was sleeping but only after keeping him holding on the phone.

He already asked me once if I screen my calls so I know he thinks that she was lying. The thing is that she does know that I am playing a stupid ass phone tag game with him so I guess she figured she would join in? So, as soon as I walk in the door, I call him back because I don't want him to think that I am playing a game, which I am. And he doesn't pick up the cell but let's in go into the voice mail. That's never happened. I don't know if he just didn't answer my call or if he was truly unreachable.

I am just sick of not talking to him, sick of thinking about him, thinking of playing this stupid fuckin' game, sick of being celibate, sick of being on the verge of being a couple.... SICK THE FUCK OF EVERYTHING! And I screamed on Daughter like you wouldn't believe.

Now I am tired as hell and can't go to sleep.

2002-05-13T08:44:00.000-04:00

I am crazy, but I'm doing it! I am doing "The Rules" hardcore. I re-evaluated everything that has happened with Jessy over the last month and during the time that we worked together. I have come to the conclusion that here, on Earth, at this time, there are certain rules of socialization that are in effect. It makes no more sense for me to ignore these rules than to attempt to ignore the rule of gravity.

Going to see Spiderman, believe it or not, helped to bring me to this conclusion. The chick, MJ, plays hard to get & hard to keep, like a pro. The guys are falling all over her. How did the author know how to write this part? It's instilled in our collective consciousness.

So no I didn't call him back Wednesday or yesterday, and I won't. And the same for Lex. He emailed me a few weeks ago with some info I had asked for and then the next day, had the nerve to reprimand me for not getting back to him sooner! This is the man who takes weeks to answer my emails. So I have not answered him yet and won't. If we lose contact forever, then so be it! These guys are crazy! You show a little interest and they assume you're ready to sell your soul for their dick!

By the way, I will see Spiderman again. Spidey is crazy sexy!!

2002-05-09T12:53:00.000-04:00

Well the world has lost its very best makeup artist. Kevyn Aucoin passed away the other day. The strange thing, and of course there has to be a strange thing with me, is that that very day, I thought about him. That was because I was wearing eyeshadow in a way that was very "Aucoin." I wonder if I thought of him at the moment when he passed... The same thing happened with Princess Di. One the day she died, a thought of her flashed in my head BEFORE I knew about her accident.

Anyway, today, so far, I'm feeling much better. I had a realization about me and how I deal with relationships. I know and have known for some time that I was a love priestess in one of my past lives. I lived in a temple and men came to me with their love and sex problems. I became their confident and we had healing sex. They brought me gifts. It was accepted in the community. They were usually married. Basically they came to me with the understanding that they would benefit tremendously through the exchange of energy.

I really feel that this past life overlay is very strong in me. For one thing, I expect complete adoration and love from a partner. They other thing is that I really expect tangible gifts (trinkets, flowers, candy). And of course, I don't feel like I really need to be courted, just completely adored. I also don't have a problem with connecting solely on a sexual level, if I so choose. It also explains why men honestly seem to love to have sex with me. I have had each guy I've ever been with tell me that I'm the best. Maybe it's ego stroking but they all said it un-coerced and sincerely. Each of my former boyfriends also loved me completely and found it difficult to let go. All except Mike. But he was an aberration. Even he, though, at the very very end, in fact, after the end, couldn't let go, as evidenced by his stalking and violent threats.

Anyway, the point of all this is that this bit of introspection helps explain my expectations and actions. I am really feeling like Jessy, and also Lest, get a whiff of me but haven't really "come in line" because we haven't connected sexually or emotionally or even vibrationally.

It also explains why I am not interested and possibly offended at the notion of being "hunted" by a suitor. I don't have the time or the inclination. The way I see it is that IF I leave the door open for you to take a peek, you best use the opportunity or forfeit. I am not an animal to be hunted, but a goddess to be adored!

2002-05-08T18:19:00.000-04:00

I am deftly avoiding a meltdown. In fact, I am hoping to be impervious to meltdowns. Things are in transition, once again. The design job has fallen through.

Jessy left a flip message on the phone. He happened to call me at the exact moment that I was on the phone for the first time today. He said something like, "I just called to chit-chat. It's not urgent"!! What the fuck is a chit-chat? That's it for me. I can't deal like this.

I'm feeling toxic as hell and PMS is alive and well; got me feelin' like a roly-poly.

I have to activate Plan B. Plan B says go into avoid mode. I plan to avoid most things and people, Jessy included.

2002-05-08T07:35:00.000-04:00

Vacillating between ripping up his number in my rolodex and trying to meet him when I run an errand near his job today.

2002-05-07T07:06:00.000-04:00

I went to bed with some very fiery feelings; and not the pleasant kind. I haven't spoken to Jessy since Saturday, when I called him. I am starting to feel like I am on a particular schedule. I am noticing that he rarely calls me on Sundays and Mondays... Maybe I am crazy but I swear there is a pattern developing. That can only mean one thing, that he is seeing someone. But he made a point of making the statement a few weeks ago that he's not involved with anyone. It's not that I mind that he's checking out someone. It's that I have to be the main one.

What I do know is that if he doesn't propose that we get together this Saturday, I am going to have to take drastic steps, like say something. It will be a month since we started talking to each other intimately. If I'm not important enough for his Saturdays then I don't need this; at least not this way. Aries ice will ensue.

The trick is that I have to be careful to not give the impression that I am willing to be monogamous. That's because I think there is an additional person in my future. I think it's possible for us to spend more time together without being exclusive. I don't know. Maybe I want to have my cake and eat it too.

I think that I may be giving out the wrong signals. I did a quick Rune reading, which was otherwise very favorable, by the way. It said that I am using my own strength against myself. It's just that I am determined not to go down the same route that I went with Mike and Raymond. The route where I pursue the guy like a hound dog and he gets to act coquettish.

The Runes said that I need to be more honest. I just can't pull that one off right now...

2002-05-05T08:30:00.000-04:00

It's funny how dating someone (or in this case, liking someone) will make you super busy. I stay busy all the time now. And I do it because I know that I am not going to be able to see Jessy as much as I would like to. The upside is that I am very sociable, just like the numerologists have told me I need to be.

I went over Alicia's house last night and met her South African friends. It was a very wonderful experience. This one woman and I really connected! She's totally into yoga! She's leaving tonight but we promised each other to keep in touch. I am just hoping that I am one step closer to getting down there...

Went to an all day satsang. It was phenomenal. I really felt very high. Too high almost. I started to realize how Spirit communicates in different ways, depending on how you channel it. In my case, it's through Orisha and Amma. Also through the ancestors and the other oracles I have.

Speaking of oracles, I recently bought a Kabbalah set. It's great and not hokey at all. Each card is a Hebrew letter or one of the Tree of Life. I always wanted to learn the Tree of Life but found it too difficult. Well, this deck seems to be helping. I plan to pull a card a week and try to act on its information. It figures that the first card I pulled would be Hesed. That's what Ammachi has been stressing for me for the longest...

Well, yet another weekend without seeing Jessy. He called me last Friday night but I had turned off the phone because I was exhausted. But I would have not agreed to meet on such short notice anyway. I kept toying with whether or not to call him last night when I got in. Finally I did. He always seem glad to hear from me. He was on his way out though... Strangely enough, I didn't care.

I am beginning to think that it's in Divine Order that we haven't been seeing each other. It has the fingerprint of the Orisha that forbade us from "dealing."

To make matters worse, I ran across my Sexual Secrets book the other day and proceeded to read and describe some of it to him over the phone! What a convo! He seems ridiculously talented and experimental. Then, for the second time, after we got off the phone, I felt ALL this sexual energy. It overwhelmed me and it was unprovoked because I was crazy tired! I swear, it was like waves of sexual energy flooded my body. I felt like I had to force myself to not have an orgasm! If the physical experience is anything like that then I'm done for! And, as you might expect, I no longer have any trepidation about sleeping with him. I think that he'll probably bring a phenomenal amount of pure energy to the table, or should I say, the bed. Hahahaha!

Alas, we're not supposed to deal sexually and it's looking more and more like it won't happen. I keep recalling the reading I got from Kim. She did one reading on his current name, and one on his birth name. From his current name, she saw that we would only be friends. She also saw a woman in his house. Well, it turns out that his mom moved back in with him, so Kim was on the money there. That means that we may never have sex. On the other hand, all the other readers saw a sexually satisfying relationship. And when Kim used his birth name, she saw one too. Who knows? This thing is so confusing!

He obviously has crossed my path for a reason. But it's very likely that it's spiritually only. That would be a blow to me, unless there is someone else, better, on the horizon.

When I think back on how I even met him, it's mind boggling. I first went to the school eleven months ago. It was then that I knew there was karmic reason for me being at the school. And, strangely enough, that one day that I was there, I noticed how many cute guys worked there! Anyway, I didn't actually even see him until five months later, and we didn't talk on the phone until six months after that.

I will stop now because I am rambling. Rambling and wishing...

2002-05-02T11:47:00.000-04:00

Jessy appears to be perfect for me. We talked the other night for 5 hours. I am truly digging him but yet, have managed to stay emotionally neutral.

While on the phone, he suggested that HE do a reading on US! Yes ... amazing. He asked my permission, stating that he thought one should ask the other's permission before doing readings on the person. Gulp!!! I remained silent!! He used the word "relationship" a lot. And told me, for the third time, that he's attracted to me. He sort of asked if I was attracted to him but I was too shy to answer.

The reading was confusing but not bad. (No jinxing details given here.)

I would love to see him more, it's been almost two weeks. It's been kind of hard to figure out if he feels spurred on by the fact that we were counseled to be platonic or if he'll just go along with it.

Other - saved 66% of the airfare for the June trip but then had to spend it on rent. I HATE PAYING RENT!! In my next life I will be a carpenter with a piece of land and I will NEVER pay rent!

2002-04-30T09:31:00.000-04:00

Feeling much calmer with reference to Jessy. I did some more esoteric background research. According to vedic astrology, we're not compatible. I just feel like, in general, we're not compatible. Sometimes I catch him being very arrogant/intimidating. Of course I'm not intimidated. I'm more likely to cut him down with my tongue. That's not pretty.

Plus, he's flaky as hell. I need emotional security, if nothing else. So I've let go of 80% of the thoughts of being with him. The other 20% is just because I'm not with anyone right now.

Paid for the yoga camp. Now to pay some rent and airfare...

2002-04-28T20:35:00.000-04:00

Gee. I'm seeing that people are so fancy with their blogs... But, truth be told, the pictures are pretty and the links dynamic, but the content sucks, often - - hehehe :-)

Anyway, still on a roller coaster. I tried to really vibe into the Venus energy since we're in Taurus and yesterday was a full moon. I went up on the roof and did a Venus meditation and then tried to extend it earlier today by going to the river...

A few hours ago, I called Jessy. I just wanted to kill time and talk to someone interesting. I ended up telling him about the reading and how we are not supposed to be "unplatonic." I tried to emphasize that that is how it is, at least for the moment - - lest he think it is permanent. In any event, I feel much better. I told him that now I don't have to feel funny about calling him or sending him emails, since we're just supposed to be friends. I know he thought I was tripping about thinking that I may be contacting him too much, but so be it.

Anyway, after I told him, he said that was too bad because he was planning on getting closer!!! (He said this twice) He agreed that it's best to listen to counsel. So that's it. We're officially platonic and I can relax myself! And yet, in my heart of hearts, I still feel for him. But this way, there's no bullshit to get in the way of getting closer and becoming friends, if that is to be.

2002-04-26T08:09:00.000-04:00

Feeling MUCH better. I talked to Kim the Psychic. It was a good reading for me. She said to keep my options open with men. She gave me details but I don't want to jinx myself. In terms of Jessy, she said that he has a secret and that I need to get to know him better. She said the romance and sex would be good, just not now. She thought his secret might be a child. Maybe there's a pregnant woman out there with his child. That seems to happen to me a lot. I meet guys who are expecting.

Speaking of secrets. No one has more secrets than I do. I haven't told him about Son. How about the fact that my rent is really behind (not really his business), or that I'm waaaaaay older than he? So here I am crucifying him and I'm guilty also!

I called Jessy back and we talked a few times yesterday. It was good, as usual. I just was very neutral. That's how I've been feeling, dispassionate. It's funny because I often can't picture his face or remember the correct pronunciation of his name. These are signs that he is impermanent to me. Usually when I can't remember a guy's name, it means that it's time to break up.

Anyway, I invited him to go with me to a meditation on Saturday but he has to work and then he's going to an Oshun ritual. He invited me because it's open to the public but I could tell that it would have been weird for me to come. I would not have gone anyway. It's interesting that he'll be celebrating Oshun since she is the one who told me not to get involved with him. I wonder if he will have any revelations?

I have been doing some work (for pay) for JT at the yoga studio. There has been a cute guy working there and we sort of hit it off but he's really young. In any event, I'm just thinking ahead to June and going away.

2002-04-25T07:58:00.000-04:00

Food for thought: I just heard an interview with Alanis Morrisette. In it, she makes the statement that she "loves men." Can I make the same statement? To be honest, I think I have a fear of what I perceive to be the inferiority of men. Their attachment to their lower natures makes them transparent and easy to manipulate. But it also makes them predictably unpredictable.

Jessy called but I wasn't home. I was so drained by family issues (Son being selfish, Daughter's karmic issues with her dad) that I just went to bed and didn't call him back. I am overjoyed that he called though.

I am now toying with the idea of telling him about the reading I got from the reader. I realize that I can't not have any contact with him. It's too abrupt and he has too much to offer spiritually. So my higher self would like to be platonic friends. At the same time, I want to engage his energy physically, even if it isn't through full intercourse.

2002-04-24T08:38:00.000-04:00

Well yesterday was an absolute roller coaster. I spent some time in the nadir, checking it out. But by the time I went to bed, I was straight. It's all about Jessy of course.

I have not heard a single word from him! And this from the man who was calling me every night. Of course I consulted everything from the I Ching, to the Oracle of Rama, to the Tarot. (The free astro relationship profile on www.thenewage.com is very good, by the way).

Strangely, ALL the oracles speak of some sort of danger (even Clark saw something dark) and a calculated pause that I need to respect. The outcome appears to be favorable but I'm not sure if it's with him or a new person.

I was just feeling very broken hearted. You know how you actually feel a dull pain in your chest. I felt like I was going to burst so I sent him a innocuous email about an ayurvedic event. (I sent it to a bunch of people at the same time, plus he knows that I wouldn't be able to go because of the date.) Then I went to satsang and really tried to focus on something greater than my self-pitying self.

The key, however, came from talking to Nina. Of all my friends, she's the one with whom I can let my hair down the most. She's psychic so I spilled the beans. Immediately she felt like something had come up for him, like a person. She also felt that he might be confused about his sexuality and that the situation may very well not be physically or emotionally healthy for me. Since she is very familiar with Orisha, and specifically the one who spoke to me about Jessy, she suggested that I obey because that Orisha is usually very liberal when it comes to relationships. Interesting.

She also thought that he was a gift for my birthday but I shouldn't hold on to him or the thought of him. That made sense too. I did ask for someone for my birthday and it has been a long time since I went on a date. So maybe it was a "stop-gap" measure from the Universe or my ancestors to hold me over until someone better comes along.

It's that my hormones and every cell of my body is in relationship mode. I mean, I was so horny yesterday that I was nauseated. So I went makeup shopping ;-)

2002-04-22T18:47:00.000-04:00

The linen and other stuff I ordered last week arrived today. I bought a bunch of new stuff because I thought I would be fucking. Now I don't know what to do with it. I bought two sheet sets, a comforter cover, a quilt, towels, a throw and a curtain for the bedroom (wouldn't want folks to see any x-rated action - - not!!)

Had lunch with Clark. We exchanged readings. He's happily pursuing the love of his life. He's such a good guy. Why can't I find a normal guy like that? Anyway, he saw good things for me and Jessy, particularly a lot of passion and decent sex. I still have to follow Orisha.

Did I mention that the reader yesterday mentioned that perhaps I wouldn't like the sex with Jessy? He's very clairvoyant but I don't know if he was picking up on my fears or on truth.

Clark, being a body worker (Shiatsu and Reiki), taught me some power points that are good for sex. He says he drives his girlfriend wild. (Sternum, elbows, palms, chin, biceps) But who will get this knowledge from me?

2002-04-22T08:03:00.000-04:00

Major consternation! The counseling I got in the reading yesterday told me to forget about being in a relationship with Jessy! This is the second time (first time in March, a much milder warning to not get too involved) that Orisha has said that, so I plan to follow it. I came home and threw the Runes to try to get a feel for why. The Runes also counseled that there is/will be a disruption, emotional pain and transition. I am not sure why all this is happening but my heart does hurt a little because I am/was into Jessy somewhat.

So that takes care of any more Rules bullshit. He hasn't really been in contact as much anyway since the end of last week. Maybe he also got the same reading. It's quite possible.

Anyway, my energy goes back into going away. I am planning to pay for the yoga camp this week. Then I have to work on the money for the airfare. The temp agency never called me back. I guess they heard in my voice my lack of commitment.

2002-04-21T10:23:00.000-04:00

Help me please!!!!! I broke EVERY freakin' Rule in the book! It is truly ghastly. First off, things just did not go as planned. He ended up sending me an email about a movie at this center where he goes and would be. Well, I debated with myself, "should I go or not?" I told myself that since I really wanted to see the movie, I should go. So I did. For some reason, he seemed surprised to see me there. I was very aloof, but that was still one Rule broken.

Then, after he brought me home, he called me a few seconds later from the street and said he wanted to get something to eat and asked if I wanted to come. I was SUPER eager and leapt at the chance. Rule broken (no last minute "dates'). I brought down a book I knew he wanted to borrow. Rule broken (don't give him anything first).

Then, I, like an idiot, asked him if you wanted to look at the planets from my roof. Rule broken (don't let a date drag on). Then, instead of seeing him to the lobby door. We kind of hung out there for a bit, Rule broken (don't let a date drag on), then HE said he needed to be heading back (Rule broken (end the date first).

So you see, I am the champion Rule breaker. What makes it worse is that there was a strange awkwardness at the end. Like he knew I wanted him to kiss me (I did). And like he felt how much I liked him and just couldn't get enough of being in his presence. Shit! That's the worse possible thing to happen!

I went to bed feeling very uncomfortable. Even the Runes warned me to use restraint. I just don't want to blow it.

At the same time, why the fuck can't I be me? For a man's behavior to be ruled by the "hunter" aspect means, quite frankly, that his lower self is ruling, NOT his higher self, right? So why am I playing a game where the lower self is a participant? But am I also being ruled by my lower self? I would like to think that I am being ruled by my heart! There's a certain chemistry between us that is undeniable.

Jessy is a very beautiful and spiritual person, and yet, he is a victim of socialization, like 99% of the world. I don't expect him to be informed by his higher self with respect to showing interest in me. To be informed by his higher self would be for him to accept me for the way I am (aggressive) and to know that I have a healthy interest in him. To know that I am not likely to get so into him that I lose myself. The bottom line is that I am a fun lovin' girl who likes to explore new things immediately!

Sis was telling me that she is currently rebuffing the advances of two Aries guys precisely because Aries are super enthusiastic in the beginning and then lose interest. And also because they are uncommittable. That's me. In fact, I found this book in the lobby yesterday, "Why Men Commit," which I read for fun. But in reading it, I realize that I AM the one who is unable to commit.

According to the book, a noncommitter: has no room in her life for a permanent man; is into too many things; is a slick dresser; always leaves things up in the air; and may well be a writer (as well as a few other occupations mentioned). Now of course, this analysis is shallow. And yet, as much as I want companionship, being "locked" with someone scares the skirt off of me.

That makes everything all the more bizarre because one would only do the Rules in order to get a committed relationship.

Anyway, at least I didn't invite him over. My saving grace. Plus, I told him about Daughter. I did it in a very nonchalant deft manner, simply weaving it into a conversation. He asked how old and he asked a few other questions but that was it. I didn't mention Son. I couldn't. Slap me.

2002-04-19T14:03:00.000-04:00

Just finished re-reading The Rules by Ellen Fein and Sherrie Schneider. For those who don't know, The Rules is a great little book written for women about dating men. The basic premise of the book is that men are hunters and want a challenge. Any woman who is too easy to get, will cause the men to behave in a certain undesirable way EVEN IF THE COUPLE ENDS UP GETTTING MARRIED.

The Rules work. I have done them. Part of what The Rules do is eliminate men from your life who are not supposed to be there. This way you don't waste time. For example, if a guy doesn't call you regularly, instead of calling him regularly, you let it drop. He drops out of your life. That, as opposed to dragging on in a bland relationship that was doomed anyway. They also force the man to court you seriously or be rejected.

I first started doing The Rules with Mike. I had broken even Rule in the book up until that time but the instant I started doing The Rules, he responded nicely.

The Rules are really specific, with rules such as when to pay for a date, how long to stay on the phone, when to let him kiss you. They are actually really hard to do. In analyzing these last ten days with Jessy. I have ALREADY broken many of them. I knew it but it's really hard to follow them to the letter. The good thing is that because I am naturally busy, and because I don't want to start a physical relationship, or to have him visit my apartment right now, some of The Rules are easy for me.

For example, yesterday I went to the movies to see a German film that I had been dying to see. I casually mentioned it to Jessy (not even thinking about The Rules) and he gasped. I really get the feeling like he was starting to feel like he knew my schedule or "had me down pat." That's a huge mistake for any man in my life. And even though my natural instincts are NOT to play hard to get, I can turn on a dime and get bored ridiculously quickly. I always tell the men I'm seriously dating "don't assume that because I really like you, I'll always feel that way." But they still stupidly do assume so, and then when I fade out of the picture, they end up struggling trying to get back in. But by then, it's too late. That is The Way of An Aries Woman (especially one with an Aries moon and sun).

Now this weekend will be tricky. I REALLY want to spend time with Jessy. Alas, he hasn't mentioned anything about seeing me. Will he probably? Yes. But, according to The Rules, he was supposed to have done this by Wednesday. (That just makes sense anyway. Last minute planning gives the impression that I'm just sitting around waiting for him). Therefore, I WILL NOT see him this weekend. Rosey may be coming down here anyway, plus I made an appointment to see the reader again on Sunday. So I do have other things to do. Of course, the old me would make time for Jessy, but the Rules me will not. Now all I need is the strength of an ox to pull this off. ;-)

2002-04-19T08:29:00.000-04:00

Finally found The Rules. I plan to re-read that sucker today... I also ran across the Linda Goodman Love Signs book. It's a classic astrology book that I ALWAYS refer to in the beginning of relationships.

Of course, with reference to Capricorn (Earth) men and Aries (Fire) women, it says exactly what I expected. He wants to take his time and I want to hurry things along. The funny thing is is that according to a different book (Sacred Symbols of the Ancients by Edith L. Randall and Florence Evylinn Campbell), Jessy is the 7 of Hearts and I am the 4 of Spades. So, in that case, I am Earth and he is Fire. This may balance out the astrological Earth Fire inbalance.

Anyway, I have done Fire with Fire relationships where everything was rush-rush. My relationship with Thomas (Aries) and Keith (Leo) were both three month whirlwind disasters during which time we contemplated marriage and kids. And yet I did do three years with Raymond (Sagittarius). Raymond, though, NEVER had any intention of getting anywhere near marriage. He wouldn't even call me his girlfriend (well maybe that's because he had a hidden one at home, sneaky bastard!)

Anyway, I really would like to push things along. Specifically, I would like to see him more than once a week! Linda Goodman says that Aries women can lose interest at the slow pace and move on. Well that's what happened in the very beginning when I was still at the school. I came off too aggressively to him and he backed up...then I lost interest.

So, armed with my astrological knowledge, I am forcing myself to be patient. I know that he really likes me and is trying to build a foundation. Yesterday I had a long conversation with myself on sticking to my goals and not getting off track because of this. I am a pretty busy person. It's not like I'm just sitting at home twiddling my thumbs waiting for his phone calls... But I want what I want when I want it.

Re: letting him know about Son and Daughter. I talked to Dave and he was virtually horrified that I hadn't told Jessy that I have kids. But that's Dave for you. He and Jessy are worlds apart. To Dave, it's important info that he would need in order to make the decision NOT to get involved - - I know this to be a fact. I am willing to bet that Jessy will take it in his stride. But I am ready to say "fuck you" if he doesn't. I will tell him after the first time we kiss. This will give me more amunition. :-)

2002-04-17T13:31:00.000-04:00

Talked to Jessy for 5 hours last night!!! It was great!

Anyway, Rosey called yesterday. It was soooo helpful talking to her for two reasons. 1 - she told me that she and her boyfriend have the same age difference as Jessy and I. That blew me away. She's been with him for seven years. I knew she was older but I had no idea their age difference was that great. Her boyfriend is also the same nationality as Jessy. She said that the age thing was never a problem with him or his family. That's good to hear.

It's so funny, the connection I have with Rosey. I've know her for 18 years and often we go through similar things at the same time.

The second reason my conversation with her was helpful is that she told me that her boyfriend is taking medicine right now and cannot "get it up" all the time. So she said they do a lot of oral sex and other types of foreplay. She said that it's satisfying. I think I really needed to hear that. I had forgotten that you don't always have to have nitty-gritty penetration to have a good time. That made me feel more relaxed about having sex with a new person; the point being that you can always default to foreplay if things are not quite hitting the mark.

2002-04-16T11:25:00.000-04:00

Well, it turned out that I over reacted (no surprise there). He didn't call but he did leave me an email that night. Then he called me last night. Nightly calls have been the routine. That's nice. It soothes me. But I would like to see him during the week... I am realizing that I REALLY like him. He's funny and sexy too.

I felt compelled to do a little astro research about him. His moon is in Virgo. Yuck!! A double Earth sign. It seems that he's really into control and order. So far, it seems like he likes running the show. He likes being the hunter. If I show too much interest, it disturbs him. This is intriguing, in a way. It also matches with what the Runes said. It said to show restraint.

The bottom line is that I am wary of having sex with him because I am afraid it won't be good. So because of that, I haven't been as into him as I might be. The only thing I can do is keep going along at his pace and try not to get physical.

I finished the story and let Daughter read it. She said it was boring! That fucked me up completely. Seriously. I was hoping she wouldn't be able to put it down - - like the Harry Potters. So I will redo it. To be honest, I know the beginning is stilted. The whole thing is over-descriptive. She says it needs more action. I was trying to be descriptive because I read that children's stories should be very descriptive.

The temp agency called me to work for a permanent position for a financial agency. I said yes, then I said a prayer that if I should do this then let me do it. Basically I can use the job to earn money to redecorate and make the airfare for June. I am also now thinking about going to C_____ in August. I have this great plan to ask Jessy to come with me! He is going to be taking a vacation anyway at that time, in the same area. That would be great, I think.

But can I really get up and go to an office tomorrow? I think if that happens, I will hide within myself and just be a zombie to everyone at work.

I have been wondering about whether I can be monogamous. I went back to Eve's and saw the guy from a few weeks ago. He recognized me and the vibe was still there. I discovered that he delivers the food for delivery orders. I would surely call up an order and then dress up in a sexy lingerie outfit and seduce him if I lived in that neighborhood! Believe it!

2002-04-14T22:47:00.000-04:00

Let the games begin! Yep. I called Jessy briefly from the street on his cell phone to say thank you again. He sounded slightly irritated. He said he would call me tonight - - and he didn't. The ringer is now off where it will remain until Wednesday. I am adopting a zero tolerance policy. I can't play games. Or rather, I can't lose.

2002-04-14T08:18:00.000-04:00

First dilemma. Jessy asked me my age! He had already given me his birth date the day before. He was born in the seventies. I was born in the sixties and we're damn near close to that movie, Crush! Isn’t it funny how I saw that not even two weeks ago! I remember thinking afterwards, “it just goes to show you that age doesn’t matter. What matters is that the person loves and respects you. Now I need to live this shit!”

To be honest, when he told me is birth date, I was relieved because he's older than I thought (but younger than Lest or Nicky). His sun sign is decent too. Capricorn, a new one for me. That's the same as Son. Well if he's half as devoted to me as Son is to his girlfriend, I'll be straight!

I didn't check his Chinese sign - - I may not want to know that lest it be Monkey (probably not). Nor did I read about Capricorns. I did check his sign based on Native American signs from ancient Mexico. He's a rabbit. For them, and it says that the courting ritual is very important and he puts the woman through "tests" but that once she "passes," he's very loyal. It also said that his physical needs and stamina are substantial and that sex provides him with emotional and tangible release. Hmmmm.

The "test" part I know is true. I think the reason it was so hard for us to get together is because I was really aggressive in the very beginning. Hey, I'm an Aries - I don't like to wait. He probably thought I was gaga for him, which wasn't true. But when I realized that he thought I was into him, I pulled all the way back, to the point of being uninterested in him.

As for the sexual prediction about him. I have no idea. I can only pray that it's true and also pray that we satisfy each other sexually. Shamefully, I kept looking at his boots trying to figure out how big is feet are. But we're no where near having sex. I didn't even let him kiss me at the door. We just hugged. That's the difference between me now and me 5-10 years ago. I had such a high libido that I always wanted to get to the sexual part fast. Now, after this long celibacy stint and the intense yoga practice, I feel more satiated. I'd like to wait a month.

You can never go wrong by waiting to have sex with a new guy. If he really likes you, he'll stick with you and it will just make him want you more. I have never actually done this but I am certain that it goes like that. Well actually, Mike made me wait for six months, but it was him MAKING me wait because he was such an asshole. Anyway, in this case, logistically we can’t have sex sooner because he can't come to my apartment because:
a) it's messy as hell (I need to do a REALLY THOROUGH spring cleaning,
b) I'd like to do some redecorating. At least get the books onto shelves,
c) I haven't yet told him about Daughter (or Son).

That brings me to the current and first dilemma. The age thing. Our age difference is huge, twice the biggest gap I've experienced. And yet, he's not a kid. He has a decent job and his own apartment. We have a LOT in common. All we did yesterday was talk about esoteric stuff. I was able to tell him about my visions, weird dreams and experiences and that I can see ghosts and stuff like that. He matched me word for word with similar experiences of his own. Not many people can do that.

In fact, the other night I had a terrifying experience. I had a dream in which I made the sign of the cross and rebuked these lurking negative entities in the name of Jesus. Well just as I did that, I woke up but was paralyzed! I could see but not move or hardly talk. Instantly I tried to say "Jesus." I figured that would help me. I couldn't really speak though. But I tried to fight the paralysis and made myself say "e-us." It came from way down in my belly and I could hear it. Finally, Daughter, who was sleeping in my bed, kicked me and the paralysis was broken.

When she woke up, she asked me what I dreamed about because she said I talked in my sleep saying the words Jesus and church! So this proves that I was NOT sleeping. She also said that my eyes were open and fluttering and that she was so scared that she almost ran back into her own bed! I'm glad she witnessed that. Now maybe she won't think that I'm crazy anymore.

Anyway, Jessy and I vibe REALLY well and he's fine as hell. He's so gorgeous that he's hard to look at. I, on the other hand was feeling so insecure, as usual, but also because the rain was doing serious damage to my hair. He's also mannerly, he paid for dinner and the movies although I did offer to pay something for dinner. (I am tearing the house up now trying to find The Rules book and what it says about how the paying game). And he's been calling every night. He even called me 2 seconds after he walked me home, from his cell phone.

Anyway, he guessed that I am YOUNGER or slightly older than he. I almost had a heart attack. I really was speechless. I just figured he would know that I am somewhat older. So finally, when my voice came back, I told him that I was older. He said it didn't matter. But what would he think if he knew the truth. Why couldn't I fucking have met him ten years ago and he be the same age as he is now. WHY!!!!! My astrologer warned me 2 years ago that my chart foretold of a substantially younger guy of a difference culture.

So now I feel guilty and uncomfortable and I couldn't sleep. I asked at the altar about what to do. I think I will send him an email today and tell him that I was born during the decade before his but that I'm not old enough to be his mother. Should I also tell him about Daughter now? No. That's too much, if not for me, than for him.

Right now, things are nice because he's very open and he's trying to "get" me. Once the "kid" stuff comes into play, I know that his perception will change and he'll start to think more seriously about the repercussions of being involved with me. Men always do that. For me, it doesn't matter because I plan to remain free and independent.

As far as the kids are concerned, I'd like to wait until he reaches the "point of no return" where he's just really into me and it doesn't matter. Honestly, I know this will happen after we have sex, because it always does, but I'm not sure I can wait that long to tell him.

2002-04-12T21:50:00.000-04:00

Great day. Did the botanical garden project thingie. The story will surely be finished for real tomorrow. Then I'll let it sit and cool and go over it in a week.

Ran into Alicia. She spent 5 months in South Africa and had loads of contacts for me! Yes! That's really good because I spent the whole day feeling like my association with Jessy was like gravity pulling me away from my travel plans.

I had to re-evaluate why I want to go to the yoga conference. It was to find a guy. So now that I may not need to do that, the pull to go away is much less. However, the reader told me that I need to stick to my guns WHEN I get involved with Jessy. Yes that's right. I forgot to mention that he told me that we WOULD get together and it would be good until the situation got demanding. I guess I didn't mention that part of the reading because it seemed like the reader was wrong - - I never thought I would hear from him again after I left the school.

Anyway, last thing 'cause I'm rambling. I saw a vision of a fox in a hen coop. He had a black top hat on. That's Jessy, I'm sure of it.

2002-04-12T09:30:00.000-04:00

Well, he called. Just like Spirit said he would. I had asked the Universe if he would call me before 10 and sure enough he did. Too bad I didn't have faith. Because I called his house, his caller I.D. picked up my name and number. So when he got home, he ended up knowing that I called. The significance is that I am really trying to appear aloof - - or maybe "detachable at a moment's notice" describes it better. Stupid head game I am putting myself through. But my baggage dictates that I do this.

Anyway, we talked for 2 1/2 hours! It was really nice. He's very spiritual and was able to talk to me about anything I brought up. We're supposed to get together over the weekend.

So I am off to the botanical garden to do some research for the very end of my story. But first, I'll tackle cleaning the bathroom - yeah right!

2002-04-11T20:30:00.000-04:00

I AM PANICKED!!! I have not heard from Jessy. I thought for sure he would call me last night. Nothing!

I went to my meeting (design job), finished my story, ate... I gave in and called his house! Nothing! No answering machine, nothing.

So here I am. Always the fool.

2002-04-10T17:55:00.000-04:00

Well Jessy called me today and we finally got a chance to talk. It was interesting. It's funny though how you can flirt over email and then the phone convo can be relatively flat. We talked for a while, longer than THE RULES say to. Yep, I'm a RULES girl. I need that shit because I can go gaga quite easily. But this time around, I feel very balanced. It's probably because there's no past life drama pulling me in. Normally I hook into that and it pumps me up.

Anyway, he had to go but later left a message for me to call him because he would like to ask me out for this weekend!! Whoa! Of course I am not going to call him back. I can't. That would look desperate (and I don't need THE RULES to tell me so).

In preparation for future sex, I bought dental floss and lotion (heeheehee). Sound kinky but it's pure hygiene. Oh yeah, and I worked my little ass out in a yoga session. Abs will rule, if I have anything to say about it.

I also made a vow to clean this house from top to bottom. I am giving myself 9 days. Go!

2002-04-09T23:51:00.000-04:00

Gosh! Jessy emailed me again and then called me twice. I was out though. I went to see three African film shorts - Mangwana (Zimbabwe), One Sunday Morning (Nigeria), And So Angels Die (Senegal). Beautiful people and provocative subjects (except the first one).

Anyway, I so want to call him but it's late. I could email him but I need to restrain myself. I don't want to appear too eager. I'll email him in the morning (it's only a few hours away).

2002-04-09T09:16:00.000-04:00

You will never believe this! Jessy emailed me (yesterday)! Well, I emailed him first. He had been coming through my thoughts and finally I gave in and wrote a light casual email. Well, he flirted unmercifully! He told me I was beautiful and wanted to keep in contact. He told me he lost my number but would tattoo it to the back of his eyelids if I gave it to him again! Wow!! I am sort of blown away. He has a Libra/Sagittarius vibe. So I am emailing him now. Of course I am wondering about timing. Should I wait to email him? Why play games? At least, why be the first to play games? I generally read my email in the morning so why should I pretend that I don't? We'll see where this goes.

Still, my focus is resolutely spiritual. I took a yoga class yesterday and did pranayama. Today, I meditated and did pranayama. Yesterday I started my macrobiotic shtick (with one slip up with an organic chocolate bar). I feel an equilibrium that I haven't felt in months.

I have been getting a "feeling" about doing some work in South Africa. I just feel a real pull to there. Yesterday I read that Oprah's magazine will be publishing an issue there. Of course, at first I wished to work for the magazine. Then I realized, work is work - - it's giving up my energy to someone/something. It's also dealing with myriad personalities. So, maybe there is something else for me to do down there. I actually would like to get some sort of grant to teach yoga classes there. I found this great site: www.ideacafe.com that deals with grants, but I didn't find anything.

Sis gave me a lead for a yoga teaching position. I plan to call today. Wish me luck!!

2002-04-07T19:48:00.000-04:00

Where am I today? Well, spiritually, I am flying high. The yoga retreat was excellent. I feel like I have been jump started after a lull.

My ego is huge and I need to really FEEL "Om Nama Shivaya" (I see the God in you) and not just say it. Seeing God in everyone would be excellent! Right now I am really judgmental. Right away I decide whether I like someone or not. I saw this girl today who I don't know but haven't ever liked. She just seemed so opportunistic to me. And her mate seemed so gullible. But I have no way to really know that! I shouldn't even entertain negatives thoughts about others. I know that I do it to see where my own self is at.

Lately I have been thinking, or rather acknowledging that I don't do enough karma yoga. My thing was that I was busy trying to get my life together. Mom says I am self-absorbed. Well anyway, I decided to do more and then today, someone gave me a poster of a quote from Sri Mata Amritanandamayi (Amma). It basically says that:

We come into this world with nothing and leave with nothing. We are subject to fatal diseases no matter what our bank account looks like. We might as well do some good in the world while we are here, to show gratitude for being here.

Wow! Amma is always on point and it can't be a coincidence that someone handed me this poster after I have been grappling with this concept for days now.

Physically, I was "A" number 1 until a few hours ago. I did a juice fast for a day and that made all the difference. Plus I did a lot of yoga at the retreat. I also made a wonderful discovery, adding cayenne pepper to my juice and tea. It really opened me up! I mean, I felt friendlier (a miracle), and more open. I also felt like it stimulated my digestive system. I'm addicted to cayenne pepper now. Alas, I came out of the fast unwisely. I ate a huge Indian meal with two pieces of pound cake! Me the glutton. Anyway, I am still psyched about going macrobiotic. I met this girl who told me about this great Indian herb - Triphala, or something like that, that dissolves stuck material in your digestive system. She's been taking it and it's worked for her. I know it was meant for me to hear this info and plan to get this herb as soon as possible.

Emotionally, well, I prayed to find a guy at the retreat. There was a cutie but I knew it wasn't worth pursuing him. I am at the point where I can tell right away. What's more, I just feel like not looking right now. After all, is life all about finding a guy? Aren't there other more valuable things to do with my time? Not that I was actively looking, just checking. But even having thoughts of Lest and Nicky (lots of thoughts about him recently) are a waste. Especially with the world the way that it is right now. So, there it is.

2002-04-03T23:06:00.000-05:00

*******BEWARE: SPOILERS FOR THE MOVIE CRUSH***************

I am a basket of emotions really, on the eve of my birthday. So many things have happened. And of course I have cried tears, tears and more tears...

Some of those tears were for the movie Crush. I actually don't know if it was smart to have gone to see it on this all important eve... The last thing I need is encouragement to date younger guys. Of course I had to go back and re-examine my crushes, the ones involving younger guys, that friends said would never fly. It's a bit different when the guy is engaged or has a girlfriend, isn't it? It doesn't quite have that flower fresh flavor...

The bloke in the movie was 100% fine, a Brad Pitt type. Speaking of fine, I saw the finest guy working at Eve's. I kept thinking that at any moment, some photographers were going to run in and take his picture. When I walked in, he was at the cashier counter. I smiled because he was staring at me, then he turned away. I then realized that someone else was supposed to take my order. Anyway, he was so gorgeous that I kept looking over to him. The rest of the staff noticed so that when he walked past, they all looked at me to see if I would follow him with my eyes. I had to play it cool but I could not keep my eyes off him! I am pretty sure that he is a foreigner or immigrant.

At one point, when he thought I wasn't looking, he stared at me. There was definitely a vibe between us! One of the things that I liked about him was how he had a little attitude. It was like, he really didn't want to be doing the work he was doing. I felt like he had some ambitions--unlike some of the other staff.

Too bad I was looking like pure shit. I haven't worn makeup in two days. My hair was in pigtails and I had a hat pulled low over my eyes. But I made sure to take off my coat and wiggle my ass a little! Nothing like giving a show. He noticed but so did some other guy behind the counter because he whistled.

On the way out, I could have said good-bye to him and no one else would have heard. If I had been looking better, I would have. Of course I am living by the "twice rule." If I see him another time, then I'll know something is up. Only in this case, I can go into the restaurant anytime I want! But, I'll stick to my usual pattern. I usually eat there once a month. And yes he's younger. Viva winter-spring romance!

I had a small fit in the house and I asked for help (from Universe). Seeing the guy in the restaurant was nice so maybe it was a little "gift" to brighten my spirits... Come to think of it, all day, guys have been noticing me.

What else? Well, I am sitting at my computer instead of snoozing at the yoga retreat! Logistical problems with money and transportation. I am mighty pissed, that's why I went to a movie. I am planning to go early tomorrow morning though...

Ran into more logistical problems with going to see Son with Daughter. I ended up getting two hours of sleep after we got there because of it. That could also be why I am in such a bitchy mood. We all got our palms read by Rod. Mine was quite depressing but they loved theirs. I'll have to give more detail about mine later. He did see two lovers for me though. That's the same as what Kim said. He also said to plan, plan, plan. Now this is the third reader to tell me this! Does planning to publish a book count as a plan? I am serious.

He did tell me that Daughter has to be careful of her uterine area!!!! Since that b.s. runs in my family, I have to keep a watch for that - - and persuade her to eat properly and engage in asanas!

It was nice to see Son. He ended up telling me that his girlfriend was "late" a little while back. I instantly told him that I would put my foot up his ass! A mothering reaction if ever there was one! He knows about and uses condoms so I don't know what the fucking deal is! Perhaps, "like mother, like son."

Yesterday, I had a terrible row with Sis and Mom! I kept up a solid countenance but I did feel like crying. I know that Mom almost cried too. It ruined my day and I swear it gave me bad luck!!!!! (I may need counseling behind that statement.) I defended myself and also went on the aggressive (law school wasn't totally useless). I am always being made to feel like I am the big bad wolf. I just vowed to myself that I would NEVER catch myself in that situation again. Sis, the supposed unbiased mediator (not) and Mom double teaming me. I'll just have to walk out next time. I swear. It just fucked me up completely! More about that later.

2002-04-02T10:26:00.000-05:00

Yikes! Angels must be watching. Called the bank; they have me has having waaaaaay more money in my account than my figures do (I was overdrawn). I don't quite know what to do. The last time the bank made a mistake and "gave" me money, I gobbled it up and paid severely for it later!!!

2002-04-02T06:56:00.000-05:00

I did a reading yesterday on why my love life is stagnant. The Runes said that a relationship is at hand or even already started in some way! Whoa! Could that be Lest? I know it's not Jessy because I haven't even seen him in a month (even though I got the strongest inkling to call him the other night). It also said that I am concerned over failed communication or feel that it's futile (more indication of Lest).

The Oracle of Rama (one of the best oracles I've seen) said that some really good karma is coming my way!!!!!!!!!! Yes, I am so psyched!

By the way, Daughter, Son and I will be getting our palms read by Rod tonight when we go visit Son. The whole trip will be very hectic because I am turning around and coming home very early tomorrow, but the palm readings will be worth it. I am especially excited about the kids getting theirs read! A lot of what Rod told me from three years ago has already started to pass. The reading last year was not as good. I hope he's up to snuff this time!

I am really getting psyched about redecorating the house. Watching that show "Changing Rooms" everyday is surely the cause. My plans are ambitious and yet doable. The hardest thing is putting up shelves and taking down the kitchen cabinets. Soon, soon, soon I plan to get some paint and give it a go.

I am always embarrassed to have people over. Yesterday Daughter had some friends drop by and I felt super dysfunctional. The house was junky plus there was nothing to offer them to eat (I mean no snacks). I so want to be the type of mother who welcomes neighborhood children in and who runs a household where children want to come to hang out. Well, I better hurry because my time is almost up for that!

Although I haven't finished the story yet, I did work on it on Sunday. Yesterday I wrote an outline for something. I don't know if it will be a novel or a screenplay. I think I write better screenplays but then you're stuck with "what shall I do with it" when it's done. Making the transition to prose has been difficult. I think that I "see in screenplay" in a way that disallows smoothly written description. Who knows. The story is deep and really touching and painful. I think it would make a great movie.

What I really need is a quiet place (and mind) so that I can go ahead and finish these stories, novels and screenplays I have written; as well as a place to do my art. I feel like I am so caught up in the struggle to survive that I am constantly distracted.

I read a great story yesterday about Jasper Fforde and the writing of the Eyre Affair, his breakthrough novel. His life sounded really interesting and inspiring. He seems like a genuine man. I am not sure if I will actually buy the book though. I have a feeling I would either love it or hate it.

Yesterday I got a box of gifts from Liz. I was so psyched! That was really sweet of her. So far it's the only thing I have gotten for my birthday. She sent me a hematite necklace and earrings. Hematite is supposed to be good for the kidneys. She is such an intuitive person that I am taking the hint that I need to watch my kidneys. I think some of my recent pains and discomforts have to do with sluggish kidneys and pancreas. Hematite is also good for grounding, and promotes psychic ability. Bring it on! Maybe the grounding will help me plan my escape, I mean, trip, better.

Each day I realize that I AM trying to escape, in a sense. I am looking for that one horse country without celebrities, award shows and fashion designers. I get so sick of "the scene." What can you say about a world where the frailest are the gods and goddesses?

Mom is visiting and Sis wanted her to see Training Day. I was underwhelmed by Denzel (except for the last scene) but blown away by Ethan Hawkes! I am now inspired to revise my list of best actors and actresses:

Include: Sean Penn (love his attitude); and maybe Johnny Depp and Ethan Hawkes. The chick from Vagabond definitely should be on it as well as the woman from Jerry McGuire who played Cuba Gooding's wife.

2002-03-31T08:20:00.000-05:00

Stomach still giving me a really hard time! Sometimes I have spasms on my left side. Most of the time I just feel really full. I am really pissed because I am sure it's the antibiotic from February! What else could it be? Nothing else changed in my diet and habits but that. I am back to where I was four years ago when I could hardly digest anything, especially tomato sauce. I have stepped up the yoga, and that has helped tremendously. I started taking acidopholous yesterday. I am thinking that going to the yoga place for a few days for my birthday next week will really be good for me. Yoga twice a day plus a healthy vegetarian diet with lots of salads and veggies. After that, I may do a fast. The main thing is to keep up the healthy diet.

Sis is so sweet. She looked on the web for jobs for me. Little does she know that I can't deal with that right now! I mean, I have been looking for a job job, a real job, off and on for the past two years. NOTHING has come of it. Hundreds of resumes emailed or hand delivered. Most mf's don't even bother to send you a "decline" letter.

And now, I can't even fathom sitting in an interview. Some broad looking down her nose at me, face contorted in amusement. Or some impatient idiot who thinks he is the shit. I swear, one false move or word from an interviewer and I'll deck 'em one! I'm hostile!

Still, I do plan to email my resume to the best job Sis picked out. Imagine them asking me when I can start. "July or maybe September," 'cause I AM going away!!! What if I get it? Getting up each day, putting on a suit, buying lunch out, buying makeup and nice shoes regularly again. Sitting at a computer (probably) for hours at a time. Getting to know peers (yuck). Getting fat because my metabolism slows down. Eating less - - yogurt and salad basically, to counter the slow metabolism. I just can't see it.

Ironically, SK approached me about doing some work for her organization. Evidently they are expanding. That would be freelance so more palatable. And yet, I had to tell her that I didn't think I would be ready until the Fall. I hope I am not being stubborn about going away...

An interesting coincidence happened yesterday on the way back from teaching yoga class. I was talking to someone who practices Bikram. She told me about a great deal at this studio. Always shied away from Bikram 'cause I am not a "sweater." But I was starting to get into it. As I walked home, I passed a new yoga studio. They do Ashtanga. It's a stone's throw from home so I am seriously considering trying it. I have been wanting to try Ashtanga for the last year. We'll see how it goes.

2002-03-29T17:10:00.000-05:00

Went over Mitch's again for a quick moment. He finally had sex, some guy he met in a club. We whooped, hollered and cheered. He's been celibate even longer than my 2 1/2 years. I asked him to rub my hand. Maybe some of that luck will rub off on me!

Have been checking out the airfares and I'm getting mighty worried! One airline went up 20% in a month. Another's fares will be going up 200% in June, the month I'm planning to travel. This sucks greatly! Looks I may have to take a deeply circuitous route; like take a bus for a day, take a plane, then take another bus for eight hours!

What I need to do is go ahead and buy the freakin' tickets! The design job looks like it's coming through. I should be able to receive an advance. I'll be speaking to the person in charge about it in about ten days.

Things are coming down to the wire. Mom asked me how much my rent is. I don't know what she's planning but there will be tears if she pays my rent (I know she has the address to the management) and then is heartbroken when I leave town jobless this summer on an adventure.

I have been walking around with all the money I have in my pocket. Not a good idea. I went by the cosmetics discount store again, to get a birthday present for Gay, and shelled out for some fly Chanel shit. That same day I bought the Nelly Furtado and Stankonia cd's. I also bought a jacket and a sweater - - for a song. I was/am in a state of panic. This money is for bills. To balance out everything, I am missing my super-expensive Friday night yoga class (not at JT's studio). I also quickly threw some stuff up on ebay. Oh well, my birthday is next week!!!!! These are early gifts to myself.

Speaking of next week. I was in such a fog about when to go visit Son with Daughter. "Monday or Tuesday." I kept going 'round and 'round in my head. Finally, duh, I figured out that it has to be based on when I'll have the money to get up us there! Tuesday.

Now for some really SICK SHIT! I sent my favorite celebrity a brochure about the yoga camp I plan to go to this summer! I was scared shitless just mailing it (to fan club). What if he shows up? He seems open... The conclusion of the plan is that we will fornicate.

2002-03-28T17:41:00.000-05:00

I sent that poem to Lest. He emailed me back immediately. Maybe I should be a poet.

I went over Mitch's and watched Bagdad Cafe. A movie from the late 80's that I obviously missed. It has the thumping theme song: "IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII am calllllllllllllllllling youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu."

Of course I am hoping the inverse of that will happen to me. I will go to a foreign country, work, be merry and be proposed to.

2002-03-28T08:49:00.000-05:00

I am a comet
Free and independent
On a path unknown to others
Even myself

Hurray to Ikeya-Zhang!

http:/cfa-www.harvard.edu/press/comet-image.html.

2002-03-27T07:16:00.000-05:00

I have developed this really bad habit in the last couple of days of getting up and getting on the computer instead of doing my yoga. Then, by the time I start doing it, I am starving and end up eating and never finishing the session. Plus, I've been eating dinner at night instead of the afternoon. Keep this up and I'll be a little porker for sure.

Had a series of strange dreams, all about a celebrity, Andre Benjamin. This is like the third time that I've dreams about him. Don't get me wrong, he's fine as hell so it's quite pleasant! I actually think we have a lot in common. He seems to be disenchanted with the status quo and has entertained thoughts of ETs, psychic phenomena, positive thinking... Plus, at least according to one of his songs, he doesn't listen to radio music. Hey, instant bonding!

Radio music is sucking more and more each day. The best artists never even get a shot at the play lists. Meanwhile, the audience is being fed a constant diet of unmusic and are so weakended, that they don't even know what good music is any more.

Yep, Benjamin is one of the finest men in the entire world! I have a short list, in no particular order: Andre Benjamin, Jimmy Smits, Brad Pitt, and the Chinese guy that was in Crouching Tiger, the one that died in the end. I'd be glad to have any one of them.

Yesterday I started thinking, "which celebrity would I date if I were a man?" It took the longest time to come up with a list! But it's Angelina Jolie, Nelly Furtado, Alek Wek, Selma Hyak (sp) and the Asian woman from Ally McBeal. I guess I would be into strong ethnic looks.

People are still buzzing about the Oscars. It's funny how you can be a truly fantastic actor and NEVER even win one though. Who do I think are the best actors? Here it is: Tim Roth, Robert DiNero (sp), Billy Bob Thorton, Don Cheadle and the star from the male television biography of Ali (he also played in The Best Man).

For the women, it would be: Angelina Jolie, Rosie Perez, Judi Dench, Juliette Binoche and the woman from Lady Bird (British drama), maybe Vivica Fox.

Anyway, to change the topic, I haven't heard from Lest in about a week. Some days I just want to email him and tell him that I need to hear from him more frequently. I am sure he would make the effort. Other days I feel like I should ignore his emails completely. I am hoping to see him this summer. I just want to get that over with.

I saw a cutie at Satsang Sunday. Cute little ass and interesting beard. I was hoping to see him afterwards but I had to go food shopping before the store closed. All these years of going to Satsang, not to mention yoga classes and other "spiritual" events, and I have not met not one guy (with the exception of Noah)! That seems really odd to me. I feel like I go to the right places but nothing ever comes of it.

2002-03-25T13:07:00.000-05:00

Yea!!! Free yoga classes! I saw JT (owner of yoga studio) and he gave me a card for 11 free classes! Wonder what I'll have to do for that? He asked me what I am doing during the day now. Why is that such a hard question? As usual, I mumbled some incoherent bullshit, then, as usual, piped up that I am "working on my own business"! Whatthefuck? I'll show 'em, someday.

Anyway, free classes sounds good to my wallet, especially considering that I'm crazy overdrawn on my checking account. Yep, been running through money like a track star. Is this dizzying trip over? I don't know if I should become a lottery queen, a temp tempest or a whore. Writer/artist/healer is what I'll lay claim to any day. Bring it!!

Happy for Halle Berry and her Oscar. She's cool. I like her. This is very generous of me considering how unrelentingly catty I can be. Now about Denzel. For some reason, I kept asking myself, "did he go home and screw his wife? If so, was he rough?" The answer, “YOU are not getting enough sex!”

2002-03-24T07:37:00.000-05:00

I need to fast again. I think the antibiotic really messed up my stomach. My digestion is really slow, even though I'm taking betaine hydrochloride, and I constantly feel like my food is backed up. I probably should also take the acidophilus. I doesn't help that my diet is shit; tons of sweets. Yesterday I had french fries and a tuna salad sandwich. The day before I had a few feta cheese sandwiches.

A good fast followed by a macrobiotic diet should do the trick. I also need to step up my yoga practice. I have been so lazy at home, but I've taken two outside classes over the past week.

Generally feeling... I don't want to say lonely, in need of companionship. Daughter has been spending Saturday nights over friends or grandparents, so I have the time to date or screw. There's just nobody. No one even to think about. I still think about Lest a lot... I feel like I miss him. How can you possibly miss what you never had? I wish we were ICQing again, at the very least, a phone call would be ideal.

I wonder how he's doing? We still email each other weekly but I mean, I wonder how he's REALLY doing? Of course I wish I knew if he and his girlfriend were going to be together forever. Somehow I don't think so... But that's not my business.

I'm thinking about doing a reading about when I'll meet someone. I don't even know what kind of reading to do or have. The psychics seem to pick up on minor characters. Or maybe they're minor because I don't make them major.

What's the big deal with me meeting a nice match for me? Is there a reason I'm not meeting him? A couple of psychics have said it's because my finances are so fucked up. They feel that it's a turn off. I don't know what to say to that except they won't always be in this condition. And at the beginning with someone, you take it slowly anyway.

Strangely, I feel like I have scanned this entire country and there is NO ONE here for me. Maybe that's why I want to leave for the summer, or forever.

2002-03-21T18:58:00.000-05:00

I might be on the slow road to insanity. I bought a sweater and more art supplies. I don't know what to say except I can't see the future really. I am just living in the present...

I guess my strategy is to pay all the bills that are due. And I already gave the Landlord money. And then, and then wait and see what the Universe has for me. What the fuck else can I do? I HAVE DONE EVERYTHING!!!!!

Started reading Mama Day again. I just love this book! The last time I read it, I got a boyfriend, Sick Mike. Maybe it'll work again, only this time, not a nut case.